"My Personality Album"

In moving home, I am doing some sorting. I found a little booklet that I filled out when I was thirteen. I found it funny to read what I wrote and see how small I dreamed. It was called "My Personality Album." Spelling/grammar is retained.

Me

• The nickname that best describes me is snigelfritz.
• Three words that describe my personality are easily angered, organized and artsy, talkative (I'm not good at keeping to three words, am I?)
• My most appealing physical feature is my eyes.
• What makes me an interesting person is you can never be sure of what I'm going to do, and I have lots of useful (or useless) facts.
• Three things that drive me nuts are pimples, being embarrassed, and bad-hair-days. (I think I only got about 1 zit per year, and yet I complained?)

Friends

• The qualities I value most in my friendships are fairness, the ability to have fun, and that they accept me.
• The times I most need a friend are when I'm embarrassed, sad, or just plain lonely.
• What my friends and I enjoy doing together most is talking and listening to music, or art. (listening to art? wow, grammar is good)

My family

• How I feel about my parents: Sometimes they have too many rules and expect too much of me, but I love them.
• Two famous people I'd pick for parents are my mom and dad's names (I didn't exactly go outside of the box there)
• My siblings' best qualities are: my brother is kind and helpful, and my sister is kind and sensitive.
• They drive me crazy when they tease me or leave my room messy.

Party time

• My idea of a great party is going to play laser tag or going horse-back-riding.
• The guy I'd like most to be my date is Darnell
• Famous guests I'd like to invite: Jaci Velasquez, DC Talk, Newsboys, Carl Brenders
• What I'd serve: Pop, pizza, nachos, cheezies, mini carrots, oreo ice-cream cake.
• My favourite rock group is DC Talk
• The three songs that mean the most to me are Wanna be in the Light, Time is..., Jesus Freak
• My favourite female singer is Jaci Velasquez
• My favourite male singer is Phil (Newsboys)
• My favourite album is Jesus Freak
• My favourite single cut is Wanna be in the Light
• I think the most talented musician in the world is Jaci Velasquez because she is the best singer I've ever heard.

School Days

• The best part about going to school is all the people
• The worst part is The HOMEWORK!!!!!
• My favourite subject is Explorations (this is a shocker, considering it's a mix of socials/English and I'm definitely NOT an arts student now)

Free Time

• My favourite indoor activity is DRAWING to music.
• My favourite outdoor activity is street hockey.
• How I keep busy: Reading, drawing, homework, listening to music, chores, telephone, Nintendo
• My favourite thing to do during summer vacation is Swim in a lake with Dad, Bro, Sis, and Mom

Dreams and Wishes

• My secret wish is to become like Jaci Velasquez and be an artist and vet.
• Two things I would grab if my room caught fire are my wallet and my Bible. (ever practical with the wallet idea)
  
• How I'd make my first million: My first Maxi Single. (??)
• How I'd spend my first millioni: Debts, colleges, keep most, half to missions.
• These are the things I'd buy on a free-spending shopping spree: Art supplies, gift certificates, never-ending supply of gifts, cd's, discman, clothes
• The two best gifts anyone could give me would be love, opportunities
• The two worst gifts anyone could give me would be underwear, textbooks (now I WISH my textbooks could be given to me! What was I thinking?!)
• The things I would take to a desert island are survival books, matches, an axe
• A conversation I'd love to overhear would be about my gifts - ie. Art, drama, music, etc. (wow, I was sure humble?)
• The title of a book I'd like to write is The Story of My Life (boring book, boring title)
• The menu for the best meal I can imagine is Pizza, veggies, smokies, cheezies, 7-up, chips (hmm... best meal ever? Again, I sure dreamed big)

Let's get serious

• The best part of my life now is school and youth.
• the most difficult problem that faces me now is how to grow in my relationship with Christ.
• The part of me that nobody knows is that I sometimes wonder what sex is like (this was a terrible burden of a secret for a sheltered 13-year-old... I felt horrible just admitting that I wondered! Gotta love growing up in guilt and fear)
• This is what I expect to be doing in ten years: Be going through University, and going on Missions Trips (The university part is on track; two years from now I'll be graduating, hopefully)
• A recurring dream I have is Claire's dad keeps dying (he hasn't died yet, as far as I know)
• My earliest childhood memory is mom or dad trying on a dress on me and saying that it's too big.
• Two words that describe my love life are adoring and young. (??)
  
• The three most important words in the English language are love, life, and food. (hahahahahhahaa... yep it was still me way back then!)
• My favourite pick-me-up when I'm sad is music and hugs.

The end.

All of that talk about art and drawing reminded me how much I liked it way back when. And I also came across this drawing, that I drew when I was ten. Now as much as I don't want to toot my own horn, here, I don't think I could draw this kind of thing now. Obviously I copied from a picture, as I usually do, but don't get me wrong - I was not a tracer. I am a firm believer in not tracing.

So I was impressed with myself. Ten is young. Makes me wonder why I didn't pursue it. All because of my tiny school where you had to choose between art and music. Stinking choices.

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Robert Frost

R and I celebrated our two-year datin'-iversary on April 12. To put a cap on a tough year, and start an amazing new one, we got to go out on a date together, alone. It was the last day of classes, so we had no tests or exams to monopolize our evening (remember Valentine's Day?). We went to the Cellar, a jazz club I've been wanting to go to for about two years. It was busy and noisy, but a good time.

I love this boy. He makes me feel special and he's my best friend. Not to mention a great kisser and a loyal companion.


I was giving him heck yesterday because of his haircut. Not because he got it cut, because I love it, and he's sexier than he's ever been - but because we haven't had a picture together in so long that I missed the whole era of his long hair. I get jealous easily, and sometimes I see these brand new couples and their kazillion pictures of them together, going on great adventures - and my picture reservoir from this year contains us studying, us studying, and ... us studying. Sometimes there's a beach shot or two, with no one in them.

So I loved his long hair since he got this new hairdresser that shaped it nicely. It was fun to play with, even if he was always in need of a haircut. And as of last weekend it's short, and usually full of wax. But definitely hot, particularly since the stubble of neglect is growing in more evenly and manly than when we first started dating. But I was panicking that I had no pictures to mark the era. Also I was giving him heck by implying that most boyfriends (at least new ones) want pictures with their girlfriends, to mark their territory or do some slight bragging.

I found the one, above, and also several from the actual day of our dating-iversary, since he brought me flowers! Of course, there are none of us together:





You can see the fascinating subject of my concentration, even on the most celebrated day.

So. Pictures of us - together - will come more often, now that it is summer. Even though he has another course... when that is done, we will be trigger-happy.

Waiting

I am waiting to hear back from a potential job. I have a knot in my stomach. Pray that I get it, as it's $5 more than my last job, per hour, and then I don't have to go crawling back to my previous employer and ask if my position is still open.

Please!

Top 10 Things I have learned about studying, in order of increasing importance

1. The only way a boyfriend can be a good study buddy is if I look like I'm about to have a nervous meltdown. If I look panicked enough, he'll leave me in silence. Otherwise, every 30 seconds is a question about his own work, or a "Hey, did you know..." tidbit from his studies or his Time magazine. Very much distracts me and breaks up any concentration I may have had.
   
2. Msn does not help me study, whether I'm talking to someone from my class or not. Facebook also does not help.
3. Blogs do not help me study.
   
4. Music must be off. My brain is no longer sharp enough to concentrate with music. Even classical is a stretch. Anything else I realize I'm just bellowing at the top of my lungs and meanwhile reading the same paragraph over and over.
5. My brain is much duller than it used to be. I can no longer study only the day before. My memory is not what it used to be.
   
6. Chemistry is not my friend. It may pose, but it's not my friend.
7. If you want to study in science, be prepared... Psychology is really Biology, Biology is really all chemistry, Chemistry is essentially physics and Physics is all Calculus.
8. Sometimes I just have to start. Dreading the beginning of a new subject doesn't get me anywhere. Also, learning a lesson about procrastination doesn't mean I will remember the lesson.
   
9. Watching stupid episodes of the O.C. do not help me study in the least.
10. Most importantly: when studying for 18 hours straight in the same chair, I will never again wear underwear with elastic around the bum. This causes much pain and a deep, deep elastic-rubbed crease. This is the most important lesson I can share with anyone.
    

Interview!

These five questions were asked of me by Angella. Read to the end to discover how the interview can come to you!

1. Assuming calories don't count, what is your favourite - a salty or sweettreat?

This is a tough question. I love the sweet treat occasionally, but it's hard to separate whether I like salty treats more just because of their nature or because I feel less guilty eating them. I do love a salty treat more often than a sweet one, but if I had to give one up for my whole life, I'd give up the salty ones simply because of the number of options.

I don't like pretzels, and I don't like many snacky foods, like popcorn or many potato chips. I like tostitos/corn chips, and cheesy doritos, and cheesies (but ONLY the hard and crunchy ones). With sweet treats, on the other hand, even though I don't like most candies or cheesecake, I can enjoy everything from ice cream to frozen yogurt to chocolate and sour candies!

2. If you could live anywhere in the world (other than where you are),where would it be?

I would live in a place like France, where I've heard that post-secondary education is funded by the country, or Italy because of the beautiful beaches. Australia also sounds sweet, but since the question is actually about living somewhere else, I'm pretty happy with Canada. I know this is exactly what the question said not to pick, but I have to choose my home country. I don't have to worry to the same extent about the water (usually) or food being contaminated, or personal safety. Health care may suck to us spoiled Canadians but at least it's covered. And what better Canadian place to live than beautiful BC? We have the highest marine diversity in the world; I couldn't move anywhere that has the big city that I love so close to the sunshine coast, with tons of amazing species just waiting for me to study them.

3. What do you do when nobody's looking?

I watch tv. If we are perfectly honest, I may have been known to pick my nose once or twice... childhood habit that never got kicked, I guess. But I know I'm not alone. Any fellow gold-diggers out there?

4. If you could be a celebrity for a day, who would you be?

Hmm... a celebrity. Preferably one that is not writing any exams right now. It's hard to think of someone I'd want to be for only one day. I can think of people I'd want to be with. Maybe Dave Matthews - make him play music for me all day and make sure to hook him up with all my talented friends.

Maybe I'd be "that celebrity guy" from the commercials, so that I can opt out of all his future contracts. Those commercials are retarded.

Or I'd be Hilary Duff, so I can hold a press conference and tell all the little children/teen girls to pay no attention to me from here on in, because I will inevitably follow the path laid out by Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. It goes from "I'm a virgin" to "I'm just comfortable with my body" to "Look out, skank-hos! Here I come to be queen"

5. Coke or Pepsi, diet or all sugar?

Used to be a die-hard Coke fan, but I caved. Now it's pepsi, all sugar.


So! If you would like to join in on the interviewing party, follow these directions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Can't say anything worthwhile

I've been putting off writing until I could say something significant about Kim, but I can't get to that point. Her memorial is today, and I'm going to be singing with my brother and sister-in-law. What happened, briefly, is here. My parents have been "sharing memories" all the past few days I've been home, and I realize they're also struggling - but I just want some space. Sometimes you're not ready for the memory sharing. Today's going to be an emotional day and It feels like I've got this lead weight in my gut.

One of my favourite memories is documented here. My brother and I were playing at EA, a coffeeshop in Langley. My bro surprised Kim by forcing her to get up on stage and play some of her own stuff. Brave girl she is, she did it. She was always taking opportunities and meeting obstacles head on, with a big laugh.

Porn and Donuts

Well, yet another reminder that UBC isn't the little happy private school that TWU was. And yet another thankful prayer sent heavenward that I didn't have to live in a dorm here!

Our buddy lives in "Vanier," one of the first-year dorms. It's tiny and cramped and dingy and cheap. He saw a sign for a "Porn and donuts" party. He figured the porn part was a joke, or maybe even just 'soft porn.' There's no way people would actually watch something like that together, right? In a group? No way.

But he loves his donuts, and went to grab one. There were about 50 people there, and a big-screen tv playing some hardcore, not-soft porn. They had the windows covered so you couldn't see in from the outside. People were milling around eating donuts, like the tv was background noise. Our buddy booted it out of there in about 10 seconds (enough time to grab a donut, haha).

So, yet another way of desensitizing us. This is a legitimate event organized by the housing directors. Let it happen in groups, let people get over the awkwardness of it, and soon it'll be ok in every area of our lives. It makes me sick.

This is unreal

How much of a genius are you?

Let's start ignoring all my previous posts. Here's to the power of positive thinking!! And prayer, which is going to pull me out of my emotional rut.

No more ranting about family, or boyfriend being busy, or me sucking at school. It's all under control. I've learned that lesson several times before - I have no desire to learn it again, now that I remember what it took for me to realize it earlier.

Of course, I'll still be honest, as per the title of the blog, just maybe not to the whiny extent that I have been.

Something for you to do today - takes 20 minutes. It's an IQ test to find out how Canadians measure up. I was above average, exactly one point lower than my predicted IQ. Any guesses, anyone who knows me? R, you don't get to guess. Leave a comment with your prediction and if you get it, you get five stars (don't guess too high - my IQ got royally swamped by R's 126. At least maybe we'll have smart kids).

Has anyone seen this guy? Julian Beever? He does this amazing art. It's flat on the pavement, with chalk. Some of them aren't great, but several are amazing.


Not even the hose is real...
People are walking around this "hole."


The ones where it looks like there's a gaping hole in the pavement are the best. There are more here.

It's sunny today

I love springtime. I'm already thinking about shorts and tanks that I'll be comfortable in soon.

Watching Lost tonight probably, with R! Yaaaaaay. We're nearly caught up to what they're playing now on tv... and then we're going to have to wait and watch it weekly. So we will be addicted, and Wednesday nights will be another opportunity for me to see and spend an hour with R. Because he may be too busy for me, but he won't be too busy for me and Lost together.

Today was productive. I went grocery shopping after my first class then came home and cleaned my place. There's a room inspection tomorrow... and I swear, none of my roommates ever bother to clean the bathrooms or the kitchen. They'll do their dishes, or try and appear like they've done some cleaning, but they really haven't. So I cleaned both bathrooms, including the grungy shower/tub, and the kitchen, and mopped all of the floors. So hopefully they'll appreciate it and keep it that way, at least until tomorrow. And maybe someone will take the hint and vacuum the living room.

Looks like I'm probably coming home again this weekend, which means I can't go with my invertebrate lab on the field trip to the aquarium. That's kind of sad; I love the aquarium, and it would be awesome to go through and hear about my favourite organisms from someone who knows a lot about them. But I guess you win some and lose some.

Comin up next month is our 2 year dating anniversary, R and I. That seems like quite a milestone. Last year we went out for a fancy dinner (with a coupon; but I even wore a dress), and then to the orpheum for a concert - a tribute to mozart. It was amazing. I wonder what we're going to do this year. I kind of feel like maybe I should plan something... but at the same time, I feel like I'd love for him to take me out, again. I feel like I've stepped up to the plate a lot this year, and most if not all of our "dates" are initiated by me and decently (at least half) funded by me. And we agreed at the beginning of this year that we'd be making more time for dates during the school year... but this semester he's been so busy. I almost feel like he owes me a real date, where he takes me out, because I am being such a supportive gf and allowing him to be so busy without me; at the same time, I know it's not really his fault. I'd just really like a date. He even has coupons for a free movie still - anything, as long as he takes me and I get to sit and worry about nothing. And feel like he likes to be with me.

Maybe this post is a test to see how often he checks up on me. Hear that, babe? ;)

Wasting time between classes

A duck cash scam





This guy knows how to relax


Good balance


Time to transfer schools





Maybe they should lower ticket prices


Awwwwwww - how determined

Boogers

So R and I have reached a new level in our relationship. He picked a booger out of his own nose and stuck it in my mouth. This was despite my sense that it was coming, and despite my very serious use of his full name. I guess when you really love each other... you just really want to share. Or the little boy in him can't resist asking for that wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock that so often appears on my face. If we're this retarded already, how am I supposed to defend myself ten years from now? It'll be toe jam, or bellybutton lint, or massive balls of collected dandruff. There's no telling what he may come up with.

I'm going home this weekend. Going to hang out with my sister, and visit my brother and his wife in their new house! Going to play at a worship service with some very old very good friends, like a band reunion. I am way excited about playing with them; we don't practice, we just get on stage and we breathe the same music. It's an amazing experience that I can never describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. I could worship as a group like that for hours; I'm really looking forward to being refreshed by God through it. I really have to get into something like that again, because my soul feels like it's diving into an ice-cold lake on a hot day. Going for months - even years, maybe - without that, when I know what I'm missing out on, is discouraging. So I am excited!

Something a little lighter!

Shipwreck

I built a fortress, with a hundred thousand faces,
I'll keep it safe, with a hundred thousand more.
But these masks are wearing thin, as You draw me in.

I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting.
I spent my life on much less than what I'd dreamed.
But I'm reaching out to You, to make me new.

'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.

You tell my story as You sift between the pages.
I feel redemption in the space between each turn.
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?

- Starfield, "Shipwreck"

The girls in my Bible study (CORE group) are really good for me. And I've been surprised every time at how much God blesses me for going every week. No matter how tired I am, or how stubborn I may feel, he pulls something out that surprises me.

I've been feeling a lot of things lately. Top of the list is lonely and failing. When I get to the point when I feel like I've failed God too many times to come back, I simply don't bother. I pull myself into my shell - I love my safe little shell - and I try and wait it out. I feel more and more abandoned by God, and more and more angry that he hasn't shown up. I know with every neuron in my brain that it's my own self pulling back and refusing to let him soften my heart, but I still feel angry. I know that every day that I put off reading his word, and trying to talk to him, that I make things worse for myself. I know that it doesn't get easier after I've had my "break" from him, or done things my own way for a while. I know this. But it still takes so much energy to break open that shell and let him in again. Half the reason is that I don't feel like I have time to genuinely open myself; if I do I'll start crying and I'll feel like a failure yet again. Who has time to cry? Too much emotion there to bother with. I know that I'm refusing to trust in him by reacting this way, but trust is so hard. Still, after everything he's done. Crazy, I know.

So I go to Core. Don't plan to say anything. But our leader shakes things up, and asks people to say how they're really doing. She opens up and says that she's been feeling really tested by God, and worn out - mentally exhausted - from battling with him. A few other people say a few things. And then I spoke up about all of the above. I mentioned that like two days earlier I decided to kick myself at least half into gear, and read something out of the Bible. I wasn't planning on making myself pray, still feeling angry and not ready to give up my grip on my own heart. But I figured I'd at least start the process, if only a little bit. I went back to where I had left off in my regular reading, and read the parable of the ten virgins. The line that stood out to me was just before the story, Matt 24:44: "So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."

This almost made me angrier. Why can't God just leave me in peace for a week or two? Here I was trying to hear from him, then I was angry when I did. "He can't expect me to be perfectly ready and at peace with him constantly. If he chooses to come when I am struggling with him, that's his own fault."

And then one of the girls said, "Wow, Trish, this is crazy. I was feeling really abandoned this week, and I read that same parable two days ago."

Talk about "coincidences."

She opened up about her own feeling of dryness, and how she feels like it stems from the fact that she fills her time and fulfills her needs with other things, so much so that she doesn't even realize how much she needs God anymore. She feels abandoned by him, but really it's because she's not pushing into him. And it's so true - the fact that we lose our need for God. I fill up my life with the things that are supposed to make me happy. I have money, food, a place to live, a school, a future career, a boyfriend for the self-esteem, friends for the fellowship - I "have everything." Yet it's when my life is empty of needs that it's really empty of God.

So I'm now more open to the idea of re-opening my heart. I feel a little more strongly how important it is to make sure I get back on track. Not because I'm afraid Jesus will come back and I won't be perfectly in harmony with him. That would be a stupid reason, and he knows it. He knows my heart; he knows I have an understanding with him - that I am his child and I will always return. But he doesn't want to "give me space." He wants me to come to his space. To his rest.

Calm

The rain falling last night was one of my favourite types. It was a warm night, I didn't need a jacket, and there was no wind. The rain was coming down calmly, big drops but not many of them. The only sound you hear is a gentle pitter-patter that muffles the traffic noises. The pavement sparkles and nothing feels in a hurry; the drops are lazily falling and they're not thrown every which way by the wind. I enjoyed it. I really felt calmed by the rain. Thank the Lord for that brief respite.

Book list

In the list of books below:

old the ones you’ve read,
italicize the ones you want to read (I'm not going to bother, because there will be many),
underline the ones you won’t touch with a ten-foot pole (I can't un-underline it from a previous person... I don't have anything underlined),
put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf,
and asterisk (*) in front of the ones you’ve never heard of (this will be embarrassing... I think I have no culture).

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown) -- I started this one but it wasn't mine and I had to leave the vicinity of the book. I'm guessing it'll be better than the movie was (really laaame...) but kinda still like a hoax.
2. +Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) - Really like this one.
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell) - Kind of surprised I've never read this.
5. +The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. +The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. +The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. +Anne of Green Gables (L. M. Montgomery) - How many of these books, is the question? I'm sure I read like, the 10 "real ones" by LM Montgomery, and then some.
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. *A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling) - I just went through the whole list without bolding Harry Potter books, with my superior nose in the air... and then I remembered that I think I read 5 of them the summer I had mono. Don't remember them, but I must admit they got read.
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. *A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. *The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. +Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. +The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J. D. Salinger)
23. +Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. *The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. +Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. +The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. *Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks) - Can't believe I really read this. I may be actually mixing it up with other Nicholas Sparks books... are they supposed to be different? Gotta say I loved the movie, of course.
33. *Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. +1984 (Orwell)
35. *The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. *The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. *The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. *The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. *The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. *The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. +The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom) - Got this as a gift as an English award in high school. It was interesting, but not outstanding I don't think.
45. +Bible - Probably not completely all the way through.
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy) - Half of it.
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas) - Really good. Don't even bother watching the movie, especially afterwards.
48. *Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. *She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. *The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. *Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. +The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald) - Yay first year English class.
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling) -Wow there is a lot of Harry Potter on here.
58. *The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. *The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview with the Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. *Fifth usiness (Robertson Davis)
66. *One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. +The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares) - I own this book in French... I've only read about a third of it. Didn't have time to soldier on.
68. +Catch-22 (Joseph Heller) - I bought this for Rich, at his request... and I've read it, and not him. I'd like to consider it part of my own collection, so I included a plus sign.
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) - I read Le Petit Prince, not the English version.
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding) -- this is the last book I read. Finished it last week.
72. *Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. *The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. *The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. *A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. *The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. *Not Wanted On the Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. *Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. *Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. +Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. +Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) - I really liked this one. Pushed the envelope nicely.
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. *Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. *Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. *In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. +Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. *The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. *The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S. E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. *A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. *The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

Little bits

Aeolidiella cf. drusilla


Yeah, so I seriously just spent like an hour looking for this picture. Nudibranchs (sea slugs) are the absolute most beautiful animals in the world and I was inspired by a slideshow in class this morning to share this one with you. It's not the most colourful, but it is the one that looks most like the one I found at our friend's cabin on the sunshine coast. Obviously it's not the same species, since this one is native to New Zealand... but I looked through a gazillion lists. This morning my prof showed one in class that looked exactly like the one I found, and the habitat fit, but I didn't write down the name! All I could remember was that it started with an A. So I clicked on a billion links and this one LOOKS closest, so I'm sure none of you care that it's not exactly the one I found. That's ok. I'll post more pictures of more beautiful, tropical ones later.

So I am bummed out. My grades are sucking. I had so much to write but I feel like not bothering anymore.

The other day I went my first full day since the surgery without a nap - then went to bed at 10:00. But far from sleeping well, I tossed and turned all night. Woke up like 6 times with numb limbs. And I kept having these weird dreams... and in my half-awake state I convinced myself that I, the amazing writer of prose, could turn these weird dreams into something significant and philosophical. You know, like those "deep" stories we'd read in high school that were all symbolic. I half awoke, and analyzed the meanings of my dreams, planning to finally do something useful and write them down. Of course, as day really dawned, I realized they were all gibberish, and there was nothing to glean from any point in the dream. It was something about like, a change room attendant bringing my sister and I clothes to try on... and she was treating us nicely because she missed her own sister.... like I said. I can't believe I pulled a fast one on myself thinking I may have had something to say ... ! Even if I had the technical training.

Hahaha, none of that makes any sense.

I felt the worst probably yesterday that I did since the surgery. Drugs making me dizzy so I'm pretty much done them. My face got suddenly swollen and I got a sudden insecurity fix. I barely see R, and I'm lonely. I've only really not spent time with him for a week, but I got this sudden complex about my belly growing fatter over the week span. Amazing how a week of crappiness can change your secure feeling. I haven't really felt insecure about us as a couple for a long time... but combined with feeling like I'm gaining weight, and failing classes (my grades SUCK and I'm bummed because it's one of those times when I feel like I actually should be doing better... but I'm not. So I don't even know what I don't know), and being on drugs. And not seeing R.

So tonight we're goin with matt and katie out for sushi. All-you-can-eat. Which doesn't help my weight feeling :) But it SURE helps the "I miss sushi" feeling. Particularly I miss sunomono salad. And hopefully the "I miss R" feeling, because he is NOT allowed to touch his books for at least THREE HOURS STRAIGHT tonight. I seriously haven't seen him all week and it sucks. Sucks a lot. So I have to milk it over the weekend and save up for another week without him. I'm so lonely. I even miss my parents this week; don't get me wrong - my parents are great. But I really enjoy my space from them. Just this week I saw some tv with a dad on it that reminded me of my own dad... how he used to be. I miss how my dad used to be. We don't have the relationship we used to - I used to feel like a daddy's girl, but now he feels fake every time he talks to me.

Wow, I just got an e-mail from my mom. Interesting. Signing off; I'm going to try and get an assignment done and then I'm going to make TUNA BAGEL MELTS for lunch!! I'm SO EXCITED about solid foods and I LOVE food. Feels like it's the only thing that I really look forward to lately - either looking forward to class being over, or to the weekend starting, or to my next meal. I wish I liked school again.

Lots has happened

I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday morning. Everything went swimmingly, and I'm barely swollen. This is me today, 3 days after - probably with the largest cheeks that I got during the whole time. I suck at taking my own pictures.I got sedated, which means I was awake but there was a nice amnesia component to the IV which caused me to forget everything. I didn't get the side effects of going fully under, but I don't remember any grinding or breaking. I kept the two smaller teeth, that got kept intact - and BOY! They are HUGE!! I may make them into a Tarzan Necklace.

So after all the horror stories, I survived fine. My biggest problem is that I get SO HUNGRY!! Pudding, jello, porridge, soup, scrambled eggs even the day after, are NOT enough. I LOVE food, and it's so hard not to eat whatever I want. Today I'm gettin into the solid food a little, and into the stage where the crap gets stuck in the holes in the back of your mouth. Kinda gross. But worth it to eat real food again.

I'm back in classes, only took one T-3 today at 7:30 a.m. Painkillers are gettin weaned off pretty quickly. It was nice too cuz R bought me some "orajel" - the gum-numbing stuff for babies. It's been nice, especially cuz I ripped a couple stitches yesterday... already. Seems as though I can't quit laughing with my mouth wide open.

Been nice to see R a little more too - he spent most of the day with me Friday, picked up my perscriptions, and Saturday I was already over at his place playing cranium with everyone. We watched a bunch of lost - my brain wasn't foggy like I expected, but I still am taking the extra day extension on my lab exam because I gave myself two days without studying (even though I could've studied if I'd really been motivated).


So that's the big news.

Also, while in hometown this weekend I helped R make a trial version of a ring, in his shop. It's so comfy, and I like it - I like the wood grain, just wish it was darker. Or that I had a tan.

Mmmm, I also went to an "exercise" class with Dayna over the break... turns out it was an Abs, Butt, and Thighs class. Thought I was taking it easy but the next day I could hardly walk. Anything squatting (going down stairs, sitting on the toilet) was TORTURE. I don't remember ever being that sore. Kinda nice to get on the painkillers for the teeth so that I could walk again!

So much for my new gym kick.

I also went back to that sketchy scale, played around with a funny dial on the side. Took some surveys of other scales, and I think I weigh exactly what I thought I did originally. So much for that amazing moment where I thought I was more than 10 pounds lighter than I'd been thinking. Guess I can't read a scale.

Last week of school / midterms, before the break, I nearly DIED. I had a physical Chem midterm Tuesday morning... was one of those ones where you don't know how it went. One question I'm sure I got solidly, the other one I messed around with for a while and who knows how it may have gone.

Then Thursday night, at 7, AFTER organic lab where my solvents wouldn't cooperate, I had a biochem midterm for 2 hours. I think it went amazingly. I hope. But then I had a midterm the next morning at 8, in invertebrates... and it went horribly. Then I had a midterm at 1, in Diatonic Harmony. That one got nailed. I decided that if I got 100% on the music midterm, I'm switching majors. It'd be so nice to be the best at something again.

So that was a long stretch of midterms. I was tired.

Since Valentine's got canceled this year, because of these exams (and R's, on the 14th at night), on Saturday I pounced on R and made him have a makeshift V-day with me. He didn't know it was comin, but I made a card and rented a movie and bought him candy. Pretty romantic; we watched the movie with his little brother. But even being near him for a whole day was amazing - I can't complain. I'm sure everyone thinks I see him all the time, but I really don't. It's been a stretch.

So I've got a lab midterm this week, and a chem assignment due tomorrow night. I'm kinda hopin they're just gonna fall together.

I think the pain-fog is starting to kick into my brain. Shoulda brought some drugs; I'm so tired. Just wanna go home and sleep. One more class, then I can eat and sleep and then start studying. Or wasting more time with downloaded TV shows. I made the mistake of watching Lost with R, so now I'm not allowed to watch it without him!!! Now I have to wait for HIS schedule, so find something ELSE to waste my time.

We had some sweet birthday parties last weekend, for Dan (happy 20th!) and for Matt (happy 21st!). Dan's we went to Cafe Crepe, bought some mini-kegs and played MarioKart. Matt's we went out for Mexican food, he got to wear a kickin' sombrero and get "Happy birthday Max" sung to him. Then we went bowling, us 4 regulars. It's been nice to have Matt and Kate around for "double dates."

Also nice cuz they drove me to/from the surgery on Friday!! R bought them breakfast for their trouble, but they were so supportive in their sleepy faces. I tried not to think about the fact that they were downstairs having an amazing White Spot breakfast.

I'm really craving an ipod recently; getting mixed signals to just "Go for it, treat yourself," especially cuz I found out my parents ARE gonna pay for the part of the surgery that wasn't covered by the plan. But then I'm getting input to wait, save, (this is my own brain), and maybe buy an ibook (this is my desire, but R's idea... I don't really NEED a laptop but I'd sure LIKE one).

So sleepy. Can't think of anything else. There was more, but I'm tired. Hope everyone's Mondays are startin off fantastically. Wish me luck studying with no motivation. Or EATING!! I want a white spot burger, or McDonald's french fries, or sushi!! Sushi SO BADLY I want it.

If I get really motivated I may start writing up my organic lab; I got to separate, purify, and identify two compounds. I don't have the melting points yet, but other than the identification I could write everything up early for next week. Yet what are the chances I'm going to do anything early?

Sepia

Yesterday in my invertebrate lab, I dissected a squid. We did the same dissection in high school, so it was familiar. The lab director brought tempura batter and a pan with oil, and everyone took the mantle of their squid, skinned it, and brought it to her to cook. So at the end of lab we got to eat them... mmmmm!!

But the point of this post is something fascinating I learned. Most people are aware that a squid or an octopus (and many of their relatives) have ink sacs, that they may shoot out to confuse predators. Back in the day, the ink of the cuttlefish was the first ink to be used regularly with the quill pens. This ink dried to a reddish-brown colour, and since the Greek word for cuttlefish is "Sepia," this gradually became associated with the colour of the dried ink. Isn't that fascinating?? So all of you photographers out there, every time you try to revive an old "sepia-toned" photograph, or you adjust your own picture to that "colour," remember the amazing cuttlefish and it's place in history.

Last week I dissected a snail regularly eaten as escargot... a French delicacy. I learned some interesting details about snails and their hermaphroditic/homosexual copulation... if anyone would like me to share these fascinating details, you can definitely ask in a comment. Otherwise, look it up. I don't want to shock anyone with the details without warning them first :)

Just kidding - it's only snails. People should be able to deal with it.

Hanging in the balance

I woke up unreasonably and unbelievably grumpy this morning. So I figured I'd go work some negative energy out in the gym.

Surprised, I know. I am not a gym person. Generally I don't see myself as self-conscious, but aside from my sheer hatred of exercise in all non-fun forms, I also hate exercising and looking red-faced and sweaty in front of other people. I think it stems from my deep-rooted perfectionism; if I can't do something excellently, or at least better than some people, I don't want people to see it.

I am happy for people who like running, but to me - running is a form of torture that people inflict upon themselves. I've never been in shape enough to ever enjoy running - even when I have been in decent shape (rare, yes, but it has happened). Never gotten that "runner's high," and I don't understand that people continue to do it. For fun. I hate the idea of exercising for the sake of exercising. I wouldn't mind sports, if I were any good at them. So because of my limited abilities, I only really like individual "sports" - swimming, biking (outside so I'm not bored to death), gymnastics (maybe I'd like dancing if I knew how? Again, if I was good at it and looked somewhat graceful. Or it was a type of dancing where I don't need to look graceful... maybe I could belly dance? I definitely have hips and a belly). Wow tangent. Aside from that, not really anything.

So I went and biked on a stationary. I brought thermodynamics reading and my mp3 player to keep me occupied in case the tv was monopolized (I get bored easily without mental stimulation, and there has to be an overload of mental stimulation to keep me exercising when I don't have to). But lo and behold! I was the only person in the gym!! In immediate rapture, I ran around trying all the machines. I don't mind machines. When someone came in I quickly settled myself on a bike and worked it for half an hour. Got really sweaty, but I felt better about how much I've been eating. Now if I can do that a couple of times a week, maybe I'll start feeling more motivated or less crappy.

So although you've already been shocked beyond belief, by far my biggest shock was stepping on the scale. It was one of those "real" scales, like the balances we learned to use in grade 8... move the blocks over until the arm is suspended, balancing your weight.

I rarely weigh myself. Not only do I not have a scale at home, but I don't have one here at school. Occasionally (and I mean rarely... probably every 3 or 4 months) I sneak into R's parents' bathroom and check myself on their scale. So I checked myself at the end of Christmas holidays, just to make sure I hadn't gained 20 pounds... I hadn't... so I figured I was good.

But! This scale (and R swears it's the most reliable type, and that his at home is not accurate) weighed me in at seventeen pounds lighter than I thought I was, after Christmas. There's no way I lost 17 pounds; if anything I've gained. A significant amount. Unless I didn't really learn how to use a balance... check back soon, because I may take R with me to make sure I did it properly. In that case, there will be a very despondent post.

It doesn't make a huge difference - I still feel as heavy as I did before, all relative depending on the time of month, and my love handles are not shrinking - but now when another girlfriend drops her weight into the conversation, I don't have to think, "Wow, where am I hiding an extra 20 pounds over this girl?!?!" Unreal.

I reminded R that this also means that HE'S about 17 pounds lighter than he thought he was... and he decided to verbally maintain that he is the weight he measured at home. Since he didn't use this scale anyway, so technically he's ignorant. Also, this gives us a difference of over 30 pounds, which I am incredibly happy about. I don't care how big I am as long as I still feel smaller than he is... and he's not huge. I didn't exactly pick a guy that far exceeded the "heavier than me" expectation.

So both of us are happy. Greaaaat stuff!