Ramblings

The wind is super strong out here today. The sky is perfectly clear (after days of rain) because of the gusts blowing the clouds away. I can see the whitecaps in the harbour from my window - they're so distant that they appear static, with no motion. It's beautiful. And freezing.

So maybe some pictures that speak for themselves...

No, I did not fall off the face of the earth!

Hello! Here's a little snippet of why I don't have much time for blogging these days:

• Full courseload of classes, plus one. This means that I have a lab every day of the week, except for Thursday, from 2 pm to 5 or 6 pm. FYI: Labs are incredibly time-consuming. Not only is there lab prep, then time spent in the lab, but there are lab writeups, and quizzes every day to prep for (usually they're the kind where we know 10 questions ahead of time and they choose 4 to test us on. So it is possible to be prepared, but the questions are hard and it's time-consuming to research all the answers the night before). Also, for one of my labs, I've been spending an average of ten extra hours/week in the lab, collecting more data for those writeups.
• Two part-time jobs. I am crazy. One is in Surrey, and one is here at UBC. One pays the bills, one pays essentially nothing but gives me field-related experience to use to find employment after graduation. It's gonna pay off in the long run.
• A (weekend) boyfriend. Poor R sees me usually Friday nights and most of Saturday... if we're lucky. I've been taking Saturdays off work so we can at least do homework together. And then that's it. Another entire week until I see him, because I usually either work Sunday mornings and boot it back here to study madly, or I see him at church, work all afternoon, then bus up Monday morning.
• Choir. This has thankfully just ended, as this weekend we performed our pieces and we have a break until the next set, in September. This gives me one more night/week to study.
• Bible study / Core group. I am co-leading this, one night/week, and I am definitely not as involved in the overall group (all of the Bible studies get together Thursday nights for a worship/speaker night) as I should be, considering that I am a leader.
• Searching for housing come April. So I had planned to move back home in the summer to save money... apparently that's not gonna work out. I'm not really welcome back home, which feels great. But maybe this is for the best; I love living in Vancouver, and to be perfectly honest, I don't like living with my parents. I've lived away for too long, and decided too many things about the way I'm going to live my life and interact with people. Having to rent all summer just puts a large limitation on the amount of money I'll be able to save for ... any important events coming up in my life... ;)
• My (brand new) computer crashed in January. So I had to send it in for repairs, and I lost essentially everything (all the photos that Rich doesn't have doubles of, all my documents/assignments/labs/tax info/resumes, etc.). I hadn't backed it up yet because the computer was only 3 months old. It was just a lemon; they replaced my hard drive for me 'cause it was just crashed and made funny noises.
• Getting my passport stuff in! I'm finally going on a holiday this summer! With R's family... NEW YORK, here I come! My first holiday in a good 3 years (I went camping for almost a week 3 summers ago). Since then I've gone straight from school to work and straight back to school, with only a single day in between to move.

And the rest time is spent either cramming for tests that I need to study for, or stressing and procrastinating about all of the studying I haven't gotten to.

For example, this week:

Tomorrow I have an oral lab report presentation

Wednesday I have to write an in-class lab report (like a test, but we bring in our pre-analyzed raw data, and references, and any figures that we want to use). This will be a challenge both in preparation and execution, as it has to be a well-thought-out discussion of our results and our predicted model of gene interaction.

Thursday is another midterm. Not a full one, technically, because for this class I have 4 "midterms..." so this will be the 3rd.

And I am just generally pooped. Emotionally I have no space - any little thing sets me off. Poor R has to deal with this shamble of a girlfriend even in the rare times he gets to see me. It was silly to take this much on, but somehow it all became necessary, and somehow I can't drop anything. Plus, I do enjoy everything I'm doing.

So speaking of studying. I already went to the lab (job lab) this morning until 9:30, then came home to study before class at 11. So I guess I'd better get on that.

Let's find a nice picture to leave you with. Here's us at Christmas:

Fall on campus is beautiful

Fall here is absolutely gorgeous. Of course it doesn't look this nice anymore... a lot more drab and dreary. But this is one of the times I managed to have my camera with me on a sunny day a couple weeks ago. It's a little over-exposed, but you get the idea. Colours are amazing.

Practice

So I decided to take a photo ramble through campus, since R is gone for the weekend and I'm trying to just take a day to relax. I've been learning some photography theory and wanted to explore the capabilities of my (actually, R's) camera - exposure, aperture, shutter speed, etc. I got rather discouraged when I was out there, feeling like I couldn't capture what I wanted to, but some of the pictures look okay. At least, there are elements about some of them that I've never been able to quite master before. Not that they're mastered now, by any means.

View of foggy fields on my way to work every day

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Robert Frost

R and I celebrated our two-year datin'-iversary on April 12. To put a cap on a tough year, and start an amazing new one, we got to go out on a date together, alone. It was the last day of classes, so we had no tests or exams to monopolize our evening (remember Valentine's Day?). We went to the Cellar, a jazz club I've been wanting to go to for about two years. It was busy and noisy, but a good time.

I love this boy. He makes me feel special and he's my best friend. Not to mention a great kisser and a loyal companion.


I was giving him heck yesterday because of his haircut. Not because he got it cut, because I love it, and he's sexier than he's ever been - but because we haven't had a picture together in so long that I missed the whole era of his long hair. I get jealous easily, and sometimes I see these brand new couples and their kazillion pictures of them together, going on great adventures - and my picture reservoir from this year contains us studying, us studying, and ... us studying. Sometimes there's a beach shot or two, with no one in them.

So I loved his long hair since he got this new hairdresser that shaped it nicely. It was fun to play with, even if he was always in need of a haircut. And as of last weekend it's short, and usually full of wax. But definitely hot, particularly since the stubble of neglect is growing in more evenly and manly than when we first started dating. But I was panicking that I had no pictures to mark the era. Also I was giving him heck by implying that most boyfriends (at least new ones) want pictures with their girlfriends, to mark their territory or do some slight bragging.

I found the one, above, and also several from the actual day of our dating-iversary, since he brought me flowers! Of course, there are none of us together:





You can see the fascinating subject of my concentration, even on the most celebrated day.

So. Pictures of us - together - will come more often, now that it is summer. Even though he has another course... when that is done, we will be trigger-happy.

How much of a genius are you?

Let's start ignoring all my previous posts. Here's to the power of positive thinking!! And prayer, which is going to pull me out of my emotional rut.

No more ranting about family, or boyfriend being busy, or me sucking at school. It's all under control. I've learned that lesson several times before - I have no desire to learn it again, now that I remember what it took for me to realize it earlier.

Of course, I'll still be honest, as per the title of the blog, just maybe not to the whiny extent that I have been.

Something for you to do today - takes 20 minutes. It's an IQ test to find out how Canadians measure up. I was above average, exactly one point lower than my predicted IQ. Any guesses, anyone who knows me? R, you don't get to guess. Leave a comment with your prediction and if you get it, you get five stars (don't guess too high - my IQ got royally swamped by R's 126. At least maybe we'll have smart kids).

Has anyone seen this guy? Julian Beever? He does this amazing art. It's flat on the pavement, with chalk. Some of them aren't great, but several are amazing.


Not even the hose is real...
People are walking around this "hole."


The ones where it looks like there's a gaping hole in the pavement are the best. There are more here.

Wasting time between classes

A duck cash scam





This guy knows how to relax


Good balance


Time to transfer schools





Maybe they should lower ticket prices


Awwwwwww - how determined

Little bits

Aeolidiella cf. drusilla


Yeah, so I seriously just spent like an hour looking for this picture. Nudibranchs (sea slugs) are the absolute most beautiful animals in the world and I was inspired by a slideshow in class this morning to share this one with you. It's not the most colourful, but it is the one that looks most like the one I found at our friend's cabin on the sunshine coast. Obviously it's not the same species, since this one is native to New Zealand... but I looked through a gazillion lists. This morning my prof showed one in class that looked exactly like the one I found, and the habitat fit, but I didn't write down the name! All I could remember was that it started with an A. So I clicked on a billion links and this one LOOKS closest, so I'm sure none of you care that it's not exactly the one I found. That's ok. I'll post more pictures of more beautiful, tropical ones later.

So I am bummed out. My grades are sucking. I had so much to write but I feel like not bothering anymore.

The other day I went my first full day since the surgery without a nap - then went to bed at 10:00. But far from sleeping well, I tossed and turned all night. Woke up like 6 times with numb limbs. And I kept having these weird dreams... and in my half-awake state I convinced myself that I, the amazing writer of prose, could turn these weird dreams into something significant and philosophical. You know, like those "deep" stories we'd read in high school that were all symbolic. I half awoke, and analyzed the meanings of my dreams, planning to finally do something useful and write them down. Of course, as day really dawned, I realized they were all gibberish, and there was nothing to glean from any point in the dream. It was something about like, a change room attendant bringing my sister and I clothes to try on... and she was treating us nicely because she missed her own sister.... like I said. I can't believe I pulled a fast one on myself thinking I may have had something to say ... ! Even if I had the technical training.

Hahaha, none of that makes any sense.

I felt the worst probably yesterday that I did since the surgery. Drugs making me dizzy so I'm pretty much done them. My face got suddenly swollen and I got a sudden insecurity fix. I barely see R, and I'm lonely. I've only really not spent time with him for a week, but I got this sudden complex about my belly growing fatter over the week span. Amazing how a week of crappiness can change your secure feeling. I haven't really felt insecure about us as a couple for a long time... but combined with feeling like I'm gaining weight, and failing classes (my grades SUCK and I'm bummed because it's one of those times when I feel like I actually should be doing better... but I'm not. So I don't even know what I don't know), and being on drugs. And not seeing R.

So tonight we're goin with matt and katie out for sushi. All-you-can-eat. Which doesn't help my weight feeling :) But it SURE helps the "I miss sushi" feeling. Particularly I miss sunomono salad. And hopefully the "I miss R" feeling, because he is NOT allowed to touch his books for at least THREE HOURS STRAIGHT tonight. I seriously haven't seen him all week and it sucks. Sucks a lot. So I have to milk it over the weekend and save up for another week without him. I'm so lonely. I even miss my parents this week; don't get me wrong - my parents are great. But I really enjoy my space from them. Just this week I saw some tv with a dad on it that reminded me of my own dad... how he used to be. I miss how my dad used to be. We don't have the relationship we used to - I used to feel like a daddy's girl, but now he feels fake every time he talks to me.

Wow, I just got an e-mail from my mom. Interesting. Signing off; I'm going to try and get an assignment done and then I'm going to make TUNA BAGEL MELTS for lunch!! I'm SO EXCITED about solid foods and I LOVE food. Feels like it's the only thing that I really look forward to lately - either looking forward to class being over, or to the weekend starting, or to my next meal. I wish I liked school again.

Lots has happened

I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday morning. Everything went swimmingly, and I'm barely swollen. This is me today, 3 days after - probably with the largest cheeks that I got during the whole time. I suck at taking my own pictures.I got sedated, which means I was awake but there was a nice amnesia component to the IV which caused me to forget everything. I didn't get the side effects of going fully under, but I don't remember any grinding or breaking. I kept the two smaller teeth, that got kept intact - and BOY! They are HUGE!! I may make them into a Tarzan Necklace.

So after all the horror stories, I survived fine. My biggest problem is that I get SO HUNGRY!! Pudding, jello, porridge, soup, scrambled eggs even the day after, are NOT enough. I LOVE food, and it's so hard not to eat whatever I want. Today I'm gettin into the solid food a little, and into the stage where the crap gets stuck in the holes in the back of your mouth. Kinda gross. But worth it to eat real food again.

I'm back in classes, only took one T-3 today at 7:30 a.m. Painkillers are gettin weaned off pretty quickly. It was nice too cuz R bought me some "orajel" - the gum-numbing stuff for babies. It's been nice, especially cuz I ripped a couple stitches yesterday... already. Seems as though I can't quit laughing with my mouth wide open.

Been nice to see R a little more too - he spent most of the day with me Friday, picked up my perscriptions, and Saturday I was already over at his place playing cranium with everyone. We watched a bunch of lost - my brain wasn't foggy like I expected, but I still am taking the extra day extension on my lab exam because I gave myself two days without studying (even though I could've studied if I'd really been motivated).


So that's the big news.

Also, while in hometown this weekend I helped R make a trial version of a ring, in his shop. It's so comfy, and I like it - I like the wood grain, just wish it was darker. Or that I had a tan.

Mmmm, I also went to an "exercise" class with Dayna over the break... turns out it was an Abs, Butt, and Thighs class. Thought I was taking it easy but the next day I could hardly walk. Anything squatting (going down stairs, sitting on the toilet) was TORTURE. I don't remember ever being that sore. Kinda nice to get on the painkillers for the teeth so that I could walk again!

So much for my new gym kick.

I also went back to that sketchy scale, played around with a funny dial on the side. Took some surveys of other scales, and I think I weigh exactly what I thought I did originally. So much for that amazing moment where I thought I was more than 10 pounds lighter than I'd been thinking. Guess I can't read a scale.

Last week of school / midterms, before the break, I nearly DIED. I had a physical Chem midterm Tuesday morning... was one of those ones where you don't know how it went. One question I'm sure I got solidly, the other one I messed around with for a while and who knows how it may have gone.

Then Thursday night, at 7, AFTER organic lab where my solvents wouldn't cooperate, I had a biochem midterm for 2 hours. I think it went amazingly. I hope. But then I had a midterm the next morning at 8, in invertebrates... and it went horribly. Then I had a midterm at 1, in Diatonic Harmony. That one got nailed. I decided that if I got 100% on the music midterm, I'm switching majors. It'd be so nice to be the best at something again.

So that was a long stretch of midterms. I was tired.

Since Valentine's got canceled this year, because of these exams (and R's, on the 14th at night), on Saturday I pounced on R and made him have a makeshift V-day with me. He didn't know it was comin, but I made a card and rented a movie and bought him candy. Pretty romantic; we watched the movie with his little brother. But even being near him for a whole day was amazing - I can't complain. I'm sure everyone thinks I see him all the time, but I really don't. It's been a stretch.

So I've got a lab midterm this week, and a chem assignment due tomorrow night. I'm kinda hopin they're just gonna fall together.

I think the pain-fog is starting to kick into my brain. Shoulda brought some drugs; I'm so tired. Just wanna go home and sleep. One more class, then I can eat and sleep and then start studying. Or wasting more time with downloaded TV shows. I made the mistake of watching Lost with R, so now I'm not allowed to watch it without him!!! Now I have to wait for HIS schedule, so find something ELSE to waste my time.

We had some sweet birthday parties last weekend, for Dan (happy 20th!) and for Matt (happy 21st!). Dan's we went to Cafe Crepe, bought some mini-kegs and played MarioKart. Matt's we went out for Mexican food, he got to wear a kickin' sombrero and get "Happy birthday Max" sung to him. Then we went bowling, us 4 regulars. It's been nice to have Matt and Kate around for "double dates."

Also nice cuz they drove me to/from the surgery on Friday!! R bought them breakfast for their trouble, but they were so supportive in their sleepy faces. I tried not to think about the fact that they were downstairs having an amazing White Spot breakfast.

I'm really craving an ipod recently; getting mixed signals to just "Go for it, treat yourself," especially cuz I found out my parents ARE gonna pay for the part of the surgery that wasn't covered by the plan. But then I'm getting input to wait, save, (this is my own brain), and maybe buy an ibook (this is my desire, but R's idea... I don't really NEED a laptop but I'd sure LIKE one).

So sleepy. Can't think of anything else. There was more, but I'm tired. Hope everyone's Mondays are startin off fantastically. Wish me luck studying with no motivation. Or EATING!! I want a white spot burger, or McDonald's french fries, or sushi!! Sushi SO BADLY I want it.

If I get really motivated I may start writing up my organic lab; I got to separate, purify, and identify two compounds. I don't have the melting points yet, but other than the identification I could write everything up early for next week. Yet what are the chances I'm going to do anything early?

Rainy days at UBC

1) Make sure you use an umbrella. Or at least ridiculously-coloured gum boots.

2) Enjoy the feeling of the massive wet patch on each of your thighs (due to the up and forward motions of walking).

3) Do step in every puddle. Make sure your jeans are wet right up to your knees.

4) If you're wearing runners, make sure they have some decent-sized holes in them. Preferably on both sides, close to the sole so the water doesn't have to be deep.

5) Do walk very very very slowly, in double file, with large umbrellas, so that people in a hurry can't get past you.

6) Don't bother lifting your umbrellas, ever, so that they always clash with the space for other people's umbrellas.

7) Since UBC is also known as The Umbrella Graveyard*, do drop your broken and otherwise useless umbrella wherever you may fancy. By all means, do NOT wait to find a garbage can or any other waste receptacle.

8) Do take a sweet picture of the view from your window. Do make sure there's a car while you're taking it so that your amazing camera (or rather, your boyfriend's camera) gets all the light that passes through, headlights to taillights, with the car entirely past the intersection and not in the picture.


*Term used with permission.

From the new place

It has been really really cold. I watched this one pigeon for like 10 minutes and he didn't pop his head out of his warm cocoon the entire time. We're really used to putting on gloves/toques/scarves, and there's ice everywhere. Even the snow isn't melting.


I've used R's camera a bit, since mine's gone. My family got a beautiful point-and-shoot for Christmas. It was really cheap - a really good deal for 6 mp.

I'm watching House right now. I like this show. I like it a lot. And, I can watch it while I type because of my beautiful new monitor. R got it for me for Christmas, and it's widescreen. I am very spoiled.

And two days ago R bought himself a laptop. His Dell was at the end of its lifetime, and this toshiba is wonderful. It boots up in less than 45 minutes - a luxury. It's also widescreen. He was thinking about getting a mac (or, I was thinking he should get one) , but a PC is going to be better for him and his needs. So he's really happy.

So I'm on campus! I got a place with three girls in a condo-style housing unit. I'm really happy. It's warm here, and my internet works perfectly - both through the wall and wirelessly. This proves that it was not my PC sucking at my last place, it was definitely because they bought a cheap router. Cheap Asians (if I may be so racist). It's also cheaper to live here.

And it's amazing how much time I save not traveling. I've only had to take the bus a couple times, for shopping. I have a class at 8 a.m. every day, but after that hour or hour and a half, I have at least a 4-hour break. It's amazingly efficient to come home, do some cleaning, and get crap done. That just doesn't happen when I'm stuck at school, with a limited number of books, and a limited number of places to go.

I passed organic chemistry! That in itself is a triumph. Best C+ of my life. Only C+ ever, but also the best. I'm taking the lab for it this semester, but it should be much easier.

There are so many beautiful baby pictures around on all your blogs, people - they are beautiful but they kick my ovaries into overdrive. Do me a favour and keep the pictures down until I grow up and it's somewhat reasonable to have a kid. Maybe I'll live in my own baby-less world and try and forget they exist until I know it's not a ridiculous idea. Course I might as well go blind. :o)

Been feeling a little on the failing side about some things. I feel like I've been a Christian for so long, and there are some things I should have figured out by now and be somewhat consistent on. Like, when I feel like a failure over little things, I should have a solid enough foundation in knowing my identity and status in him, that I should be able to pick up where I left off. Persistence. Since when did I lose my stubborn will? I'm so frustrated that I give up so easily and let such little things keep me from coming back right away. It's 'cause I keep feeling so unworthy to return when I failed on something so controllable. But as R reminds me, when I start "feeling worthy," I cross the line into self-righteousness. And I know that. Which is why my knowledge should kick in - of course I'm not worthy, but that's the beauty of it. Why can't I embrace that beauty?

Working on it. I think he's telling me (actually, reminding me, since it doesn't get through my thick head) that it's not my job to struggle. I take it upon myself and just struggle away, but I need to leave it up to him.