Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Porn and Donuts

Well, yet another reminder that UBC isn't the little happy private school that TWU was. And yet another thankful prayer sent heavenward that I didn't have to live in a dorm here!

Our buddy lives in "Vanier," one of the first-year dorms. It's tiny and cramped and dingy and cheap. He saw a sign for a "Porn and donuts" party. He figured the porn part was a joke, or maybe even just 'soft porn.' There's no way people would actually watch something like that together, right? In a group? No way.

But he loves his donuts, and went to grab one. There were about 50 people there, and a big-screen tv playing some hardcore, not-soft porn. They had the windows covered so you couldn't see in from the outside. People were milling around eating donuts, like the tv was background noise. Our buddy booted it out of there in about 10 seconds (enough time to grab a donut, haha).

So, yet another way of desensitizing us. This is a legitimate event organized by the housing directors. Let it happen in groups, let people get over the awkwardness of it, and soon it'll be ok in every area of our lives. It makes me sick.

Monday, March 19, 2007

This is unreal

Funny Pictures

How much of a genius are you?

Let's start ignoring all my previous posts. Here's to the power of positive thinking!! And prayer, which is going to pull me out of my emotional rut.

No more ranting about family, or boyfriend being busy, or me sucking at school. It's all under control. I've learned that lesson several times before - I have no desire to learn it again, now that I remember what it took for me to realize it earlier.

Of course, I'll still be honest, as per the title of the blog, just maybe not to the whiny extent that I have been.

Something for you to do today - takes 20 minutes. It's an IQ test to find out how Canadians measure up. I was above average, exactly one point lower than my predicted IQ. Any guesses, anyone who knows me? R, you don't get to guess. Leave a comment with your prediction and if you get it, you get five stars (don't guess too high - my IQ got royally swamped by R's 126. At least maybe we'll have smart kids).

Has anyone seen this guy? Julian Beever? He does this amazing art. It's flat on the pavement, with chalk. Some of them aren't great, but several are amazing.

Not even the hose is real...
People are walking around this "hole."

The ones where it looks like there's a gaping hole in the pavement are the best. There are more here.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

It's sunny today

I love springtime. I'm already thinking about shorts and tanks that I'll be comfortable in soon.

Watching Lost tonight probably, with R! Yaaaaaay. We're nearly caught up to what they're playing now on tv... and then we're going to have to wait and watch it weekly. So we will be addicted, and Wednesday nights will be another opportunity for me to see and spend an hour with R. Because he may be too busy for me, but he won't be too busy for me and Lost together.

Today was productive. I went grocery shopping after my first class then came home and cleaned my place. There's a room inspection tomorrow... and I swear, none of my roommates ever bother to clean the bathrooms or the kitchen. They'll do their dishes, or try and appear like they've done some cleaning, but they really haven't. So I cleaned both bathrooms, including the grungy shower/tub, and the kitchen, and mopped all of the floors. So hopefully they'll appreciate it and keep it that way, at least until tomorrow. And maybe someone will take the hint and vacuum the living room.

Looks like I'm probably coming home again this weekend, which means I can't go with my invertebrate lab on the field trip to the aquarium. That's kind of sad; I love the aquarium, and it would be awesome to go through and hear about my favourite organisms from someone who knows a lot about them. But I guess you win some and lose some.

Comin up next month is our 2 year dating anniversary, R and I. That seems like quite a milestone. Last year we went out for a fancy dinner (with a coupon; but I even wore a dress), and then to the orpheum for a concert - a tribute to mozart. It was amazing. I wonder what we're going to do this year. I kind of feel like maybe I should plan something... but at the same time, I feel like I'd love for him to take me out, again. I feel like I've stepped up to the plate a lot this year, and most if not all of our "dates" are initiated by me and decently (at least half) funded by me. And we agreed at the beginning of this year that we'd be making more time for dates during the school year... but this semester he's been so busy. I almost feel like he owes me a real date, where he takes me out, because I am being such a supportive gf and allowing him to be so busy without me; at the same time, I know it's not really his fault. I'd just really like a date. He even has coupons for a free movie still - anything, as long as he takes me and I get to sit and worry about nothing. And feel like he likes to be with me.

Maybe this post is a test to see how often he checks up on me. Hear that, babe? ;)

Friday, March 09, 2007

Wasting time between classes

A duck cash scam

This guy knows how to relax

Good balance

Time to transfer schools

Maybe they should lower ticket prices

Awwwwwww - how determined


So R and I have reached a new level in our relationship. He picked a booger out of his own nose and stuck it in my mouth. This was despite my sense that it was coming, and despite my very serious use of his full name. I guess when you really love each other... you just really want to share. Or the little boy in him can't resist asking for that wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock that so often appears on my face. If we're this retarded already, how am I supposed to defend myself ten years from now? It'll be toe jam, or bellybutton lint, or massive balls of collected dandruff. There's no telling what he may come up with.

I'm going home this weekend. Going to hang out with my sister, and visit my brother and his wife in their new house! Going to play at a worship service with some very old very good friends, like a band reunion. I am way excited about playing with them; we don't practice, we just get on stage and we breathe the same music. It's an amazing experience that I can never describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. I could worship as a group like that for hours; I'm really looking forward to being refreshed by God through it. I really have to get into something like that again, because my soul feels like it's diving into an ice-cold lake on a hot day. Going for months - even years, maybe - without that, when I know what I'm missing out on, is discouraging. So I am excited!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Something a little lighter!


I built a fortress, with a hundred thousand faces,
I'll keep it safe, with a hundred thousand more.
But these masks are wearing thin, as You draw me in.

I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting.
I spent my life on much less than what I'd dreamed.
But I'm reaching out to You, to make me new.

'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.

You tell my story as You sift between the pages.
I feel redemption in the space between each turn.
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?

- Starfield, "Shipwreck"

The girls in my Bible study (CORE group) are really good for me. And I've been surprised every time at how much God blesses me for going every week. No matter how tired I am, or how stubborn I may feel, he pulls something out that surprises me.

I've been feeling a lot of things lately. Top of the list is lonely and failing. When I get to the point when I feel like I've failed God too many times to come back, I simply don't bother. I pull myself into my shell - I love my safe little shell - and I try and wait it out. I feel more and more abandoned by God, and more and more angry that he hasn't shown up. I know with every neuron in my brain that it's my own self pulling back and refusing to let him soften my heart, but I still feel angry. I know that every day that I put off reading his word, and trying to talk to him, that I make things worse for myself. I know that it doesn't get easier after I've had my "break" from him, or done things my own way for a while. I know this. But it still takes so much energy to break open that shell and let him in again. Half the reason is that I don't feel like I have time to genuinely open myself; if I do I'll start crying and I'll feel like a failure yet again. Who has time to cry? Too much emotion there to bother with. I know that I'm refusing to trust in him by reacting this way, but trust is so hard. Still, after everything he's done. Crazy, I know.

So I go to Core. Don't plan to say anything. But our leader shakes things up, and asks people to say how they're really doing. She opens up and says that she's been feeling really tested by God, and worn out - mentally exhausted - from battling with him. A few other people say a few things. And then I spoke up about all of the above. I mentioned that like two days earlier I decided to kick myself at least half into gear, and read something out of the Bible. I wasn't planning on making myself pray, still feeling angry and not ready to give up my grip on my own heart. But I figured I'd at least start the process, if only a little bit. I went back to where I had left off in my regular reading, and read the parable of the ten virgins. The line that stood out to me was just before the story, Matt 24:44:
"So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."

This almost made me angrier. Why can't God just leave me in peace for a week or two? Here I was trying to hear from him, then I was angry when I did. "He can't expect me to be perfectly ready and at peace with him constantly. If he chooses to come when I am struggling with him, that's his own fault."

And then one of the girls said, "Wow, Trish, this is crazy. I was feeling really abandoned this week, and I read that same parable two days ago."

Talk about "coincidences."

She opened up about her own feeling of dryness, and how she feels like it stems from the fact that she fills her time and fulfills her needs with other things, so much so that she doesn't even realize how much she needs God anymore. She feels abandoned by him, but really it's because she's not pushing into him. And it's so true - the fact that we lose our need for God. I fill up my life with the things that are supposed to make me happy. I have money, food, a place to live, a school, a future career, a boyfriend for the self-esteem, friends for the fellowship - I "have everything." Yet it's when my life is empty of needs that it's really empty of God.

So I'm now more open to the idea of re-opening my heart. I feel a little more strongly how important it is to make sure I get back on track. Not because I'm afraid Jesus will come back and I won't be perfectly in harmony with him. That would be a stupid reason, and he knows it. He knows my heart; he knows I have an understanding with him - that I am his child and I will always return. But he doesn't want to "give me space." He wants me to come to his space. To his rest.


The rain falling last night was one of my favourite types. It was a warm night, I didn't need a jacket, and there was no wind. The rain was coming down calmly, big drops but not many of them. The only sound you hear is a gentle pitter-patter that muffles the traffic noises. The pavement sparkles and nothing feels in a hurry; the drops are lazily falling and they're not thrown every which way by the wind. I enjoyed it. I really felt calmed by the rain. Thank the Lord for that brief respite.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Book list

In the list of books below:

old the ones you’ve read,
italicize the ones you want to read (I'm not going to bother, because there will be many),
underline the ones you won’t touch with a ten-foot pole (I can't un-underline it from a previous person... I don't have anything underlined),
put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf,
and asterisk (*) in front of the ones you’ve never heard of (this will be embarrassing... I think I have no culture).

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown) -- I started this one but it wasn't mine and I had to leave the vicinity of the book. I'm guessing it'll be better than the movie was (really laaame...) but kinda still like a hoax.
2. +Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) - Really like this one.
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell) - Kind of surprised I've never read this.
5. +The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. +The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. +The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)

8. +Anne of Green Gables (L. M. Montgomery) - How many of these books, is the question? I'm sure I read like, the 10 "real ones" by LM Montgomery, and then some.
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. *A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling) - I just went through the whole list without bolding Harry Potter books, with my superior nose in the air... and then I remembered that I think I read 5 of them the summer I had mono. Don't remember them, but I must admit they got read.
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. *A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. *The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. +Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. +The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J. D. Salinger)
23. +Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. *The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. +Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. +The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)

30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. *Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks) - Can't believe I really read this. I may be actually mixing it up with other Nicholas Sparks books... are they supposed to be different? Gotta say I loved the movie, of course.
33. *Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. +1984 (Orwell)
35. *The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. *The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. *The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. *The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. *The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. *The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. +The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom) - Got this as a gift as an English award in high school. It was interesting, but not outstanding I don't think.
45. +Bible - Probably not completely all the way through.
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy) - Half of it.
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas) - Really good. Don't even bother watching the movie, especially afterwards.
48. *Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. *She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. *The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. *Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. +The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald) - Yay first year English class.
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling) -Wow there is a lot of Harry Potter on here.
58. *The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. *The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview with the Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. *Fifth usiness (Robertson Davis)
66. *One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. +The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares) - I own this book in French... I've only read about a third of it. Didn't have time to soldier on.
68. +Catch-22 (Joseph Heller) - I bought this for Rich, at his request... and I've read it, and not him. I'd like to consider it part of my own collection, so I included a plus sign.
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) - I read Le Petit Prince, not the English version.
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding) -- this is the last book I read. Finished it last week.
72. *Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. *The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. *The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. *A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. *The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. *Not Wanted On the Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. *Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. *Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. +Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)

87. +Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) - I really liked this one. Pushed the envelope nicely.
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. *Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. *Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. *In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. +Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. *The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. *The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S. E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. *A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. *The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

Little bits

Aeolidiella cf. drusilla

Yeah, so I seriously just spent like an hour looking for this picture. Nudibranchs (sea slugs) are the absolute most beautiful animals in the world and I was inspired by a slideshow in class this morning to share this one with you. It's not the most colourful, but it is the one that looks most like the one I found at our friend's cabin on the sunshine coast. Obviously it's not the same species, since this one is native to New Zealand... but I looked through a gazillion lists. This morning my prof showed one in class that looked exactly like the one I found, and the habitat fit, but I didn't write down the name! All I could remember was that it started with an A. So I clicked on a billion links and this one LOOKS closest, so I'm sure none of you care that it's not exactly the one I found. That's ok. I'll post more pictures of more beautiful, tropical ones later.

So I am bummed out. My grades are sucking. I had so much to write but I feel like not bothering anymore.

The other day I went my first full day since the surgery without a nap - then went to bed at 10:00. But far from sleeping well, I tossed and turned all night. Woke up like 6 times with numb limbs. And I kept having these weird dreams... and in my half-awake state I convinced myself that I, the amazing writer of prose, could turn these weird dreams into something significant and philosophical. You know, like those "deep" stories we'd read in high school that were all symbolic. I half awoke, and analyzed the meanings of my dreams, planning to finally do something useful and write them down. Of course, as day really dawned, I realized they were all gibberish, and there was nothing to glean from any point in the dream. It was something about like, a change room attendant bringing my sister and I clothes to try on... and she was treating us nicely because she missed her own sister.... like I said. I can't believe I pulled a fast one on myself thinking I may have had something to say ... ! Even if I had the technical training.

Hahaha, none of that makes any sense.

I felt the worst probably yesterday that I did since the surgery. Drugs making me dizzy so I'm pretty much done them. My face got suddenly swollen and I got a sudden insecurity fix. I barely see R, and I'm lonely. I've only really not spent time with him for a week, but I got this sudden complex about my belly growing fatter over the week span. Amazing how a week of crappiness can change your secure feeling. I haven't really felt insecure about us as a couple for a long time... but combined with feeling like I'm gaining weight, and failing classes (my grades SUCK and I'm bummed because it's one of those times when I feel like I actually should be doing better... but I'm not. So I don't even know what I don't know), and being on drugs. And not seeing R.

So tonight we're goin with matt and katie out for sushi. All-you-can-eat. Which doesn't help my weight feeling :) But it SURE helps the "I miss sushi" feeling. Particularly I miss sunomono salad. And hopefully the "I miss R" feeling, because he is NOT allowed to touch his books for at least THREE HOURS STRAIGHT tonight. I seriously haven't seen him all week and it sucks. Sucks a lot. So I have to milk it over the weekend and save up for another week without him. I'm so lonely. I even miss my parents this week; don't get me wrong - my parents are great. But I really enjoy my space from them. Just this week I saw some tv with a dad on it that reminded me of my own dad... how he used to be. I miss how my dad used to be. We don't have the relationship we used to - I used to feel like a daddy's girl, but now he feels fake every time he talks to me.

Wow, I just got an e-mail from my mom. Interesting. Signing off; I'm going to try and get an assignment done and then I'm going to make TUNA BAGEL MELTS for lunch!! I'm SO EXCITED about solid foods and I LOVE food. Feels like it's the only thing that I really look forward to lately - either looking forward to class being over, or to the weekend starting, or to my next meal. I wish I liked school again.