Thursday, November 09, 2006

Tired and Discouraged

(To a friend in an e-mail):

Interesting development, lately - E got back from her 9 months away, I don't know if you remember. Came back in like August. But September sometime she sent me an e-mail saying she was sorry for everything and she missed my friendship, and would I forgive her for ditching us like that. I haven't seen her any more than usual, but it's been kinda weird cuz she's very purposefully friendly and initiating conversation and contact and stuff.

I still don't get to see hardly any of you from "the hometown" ever, except J cuz he comes to school here, but it's sure nice to know that I was missed. It's kinda hard for me, because I felt so like, betrayed last time, like worthless cuz she could so easily dump our friendship. But I figure I've done dumb things so of course I can forgive her, it just may take a little bit of time to completely open up. Haha, that sounds so sappy, but you know, "once wounded" it's not as easy. Again with the sounding retarded, but you know what I mean.

I'd love to have a bake-off; yes when we have time. Everything extra seems kinda impossible right now, eh? When I'm back in town, even would be best, but that's tough cuz my last exam's on the 19th and right around Christmas things get SO BUSY, for everyone.

How are your weekends doing? I may be coming back saturday afternoon; maybe we could hook up at night? Sunday is a birthday party for R's grandpa that I'm prolly going to. and then I'm back home for schoolwork.

Man, I'm SO DISCOURAGED about school; my grades are SUCKING. My tough chem course? I thought I failed the midterm, but I didn't... 55%, baby. And the craziest thing is, I was SO HAPPY with 55%. [My buddy from high school] got 38%... and he's a smart cookie. But we knew we weren't prepared, and I had an extra half-day to study that he didn't. And only one other course (Bio, thank goodness) is on track for an A, the others are barely B's. Which are not bad, but they're BARELY B's... and one is sociology, which is supposed to be EASY!! I guess I'm just not an arts student. so out of 5 courses, one is barely passing and 3 are not where I feel like they should be, in terms of how easy it feels... It sucks cuz all my good grades were in my first 2 years, and I counted on those keeping up my GPA once the courses got harder. But now I don't have that buffer region, so all my grades here are going to come from my hard courses.

R and I had a big massive fight last weekend; just like a big buildup. Kinda the thing where we're both building up resentment about things and then it explodes? I've always tried to not build things up silently, because I feel so sorry for guys when their girlfriend is suddenly mad and they have no idea why. So I've always tried to make sure R knows what I think/feel about things... but then I get into this nagging habit that I kinda notice, but it feels justified cuz he's not living up to my expectations. Which happens, because he's busy and tired as well. And the more I nag, the more he resents that and gets less motivated to fix anything. So I realize I'm nagging, and I stop, but then I let everything build up and get really upset one day, and then he gets upset, and it's just a big mess. It's hard when you're both stressed, to keep finding the fun in each other and the quality core of what you have. I think we're getting better and better at not demanding too much of the other person; I always want him to take me on dates but I'm realizing that he likes it if I take HIM on dates too. Or I have to realize that sometimes dates will be few and far between... which kinda sucks. As a girl, we all want to be taken out in public - like to show that he WANTS to take us out in public, right? But he's more of a quieter guy - if he has been out with friends already a lot in the week, he wants to just sit at home with me. But I want to go out, because to me it doesn't feel draining to go out when it's just us.

Anyway, since you really wanted to hear about all that...

Love you dear, keep in touch. Let me know about how your weekends are playing out lately. Also, any idea what I can write about for a pretty informal sociology paper? I'm supposed to take a situation in my life and analyze it, in terms of roles and identities and typification and ALL those fun concepts. I get a mental block as soon as I know I'm supposed to pick one... any little normal one will work fine but now I can't think of any.


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