Honestly

Ramblings

2008-11-13T08:24:00.013-08:00

The wind is super strong out here today. The sky is perfectly clear (after days of rain) because of the gusts blowing the clouds away. I can see the whitecaps in the harbour from my window - they're so distant that they appear static, with no motion. It's beautiful. And freezing.

So maybe some pictures that speak for themselves...

Restless

2008-07-10T11:03:00.004-07:00

The wind is strong today
Makes the shadows of the trees dance
Like the broken leaves that play among them

The song is restless in my head
Haunting me
With its echoes of soul

The song reflects my surfaces as I stand straight
Turning my back to the wind
The light behind me

My flesh prickles without the warmth
Sun at my back does nothing
My face turned away

Gravity wants to bring me down

2008-03-27T21:30:00.003-07:00

So apparently I'm in the beginning stages of tendonitis. Any length of activity with my hands - typing, guitar, piano, carrying anything - triggers a large amount of pain in my arms that continues throughout the next 2 or 3 days. Today I brought a tray of coffees for some friends in class and I had to switch hands 5 times over the 3-minute walk. I've put off getting groceries for weeks 'cause I can't possibly survive a bus ride home while carrying grocery bags.

I'm just bummed - I'm so busy, and finally my plans are coming together for my summer - and they may all be for nothing, if I can't continue in the job(s) I have. I have a job that pays the bills, and from my limited point of view, it is absolutely necessary that I control this flare-up and get my arms back to normal before the summer... because I can't afford not to work there.

Trying to remember to trust in the Lord - I know that he has the best plan for me, and just 'cause I think this job is crucial doesn't mean that he thinks so. He may want me somewhere else, and he will take care of me no matter how poor I get, or if I have to put off school for a year, or finally delve into debt. I am just disappointed; I wanted to make sure to pull my weight and contribute to my future (with R) by not having debt, and by having a well-paying job and some savings. I am discouraged.

No, I did not fall off the face of the earth!

2008-03-17T10:01:00.006-07:00

Hello! Here's a little snippet of why I don't have much time for blogging these days:

Full courseload of classes, plus one. This means that I have a lab every day of the week, except for Thursday, from 2 pm to 5 or 6 pm. FYI: Labs are incredibly time-consuming. Not only is there lab prep, then time spent in the lab, but there are lab writeups, and quizzes every day to prep for (usually they're the kind where we know 10 questions ahead of time and they choose 4 to test us on. So it is possible to be prepared, but the questions are hard and it's time-consuming to research all the answers the night before). Also, for one of my labs, I've been spending an average of ten extra hours/week in the lab, collecting more data for those writeups.
Two part-time jobs. I am crazy. One is in Surrey, and one is here at UBC. One pays the bills, one pays essentially nothing but gives me field-related experience to use to find employment after graduation. It's gonna pay off in the long run.
A (weekend) boyfriend. Poor R sees me usually Friday nights and most of Saturday... if we're lucky. I've been taking Saturdays off work so we can at least do homework together. And then that's it. Another entire week until I see him, because I usually either work Sunday mornings and boot it back here to study madly, or I see him at church, work all afternoon, then bus up Monday morning.
Choir. This has thankfully just ended, as this weekend we performed our pieces and we have a break until the next set, in September. This gives me one more night/week to study.
Bible study / Core group. I am co-leading this, one night/week, and I am definitely not as involved in the overall group (all of the Bible studies get together Thursday nights for a worship/speaker night) as I should be, considering that I am a leader.
Searching for housing come April. So I had planned to move back home in the summer to save money... apparently that's not gonna work out. I'm not really welcome back home, which feels great. But maybe this is for the best; I love living in Vancouver, and to be perfectly honest, I don't like living with my parents. I've lived away for too long, and decided too many things about the way I'm going to live my life and interact with people. Having to rent all summer just puts a large limitation on the amount of money I'll be able to save for ... any important events coming up in my life... ;)
My (brand new) computer crashed in January. So I had to send it in for repairs, and I lost essentially everything (all the photos that Rich doesn't have doubles of, all my documents/assignments/labs/tax info/resumes, etc.). I hadn't backed it up yet because the computer was only 3 months old. It was just a lemon; they replaced my hard drive for me 'cause it was just crashed and made funny noises.
Getting my passport stuff in! I'm finally going on a holiday this summer! With R's family... NEW YORK, here I come! My first holiday in a good 3 years (I went camping for almost a week 3 summers ago). Since then I've gone straight from school to work and straight back to school, with only a single day in between to move.

And the rest time is spent either cramming for tests that I need to study for, or stressing and procrastinating about all of the studying I haven't gotten to.

For example, this week:

Tomorrow I have an oral lab report presentation

Wednesday I have to write an in-class lab report (like a test, but we bring in our pre-analyzed raw data, and references, and any figures that we want to use). This will be a challenge both in preparation and execution, as it has to be a well-thought-out discussion of our results and our predicted model of gene interaction.

Thursday is another midterm. Not a full one, technically, because for this class I have 4 "midterms..." so this will be the 3rd.

And I am just generally pooped. Emotionally I have no space - any little thing sets me off. Poor R has to deal with this shamble of a girlfriend even in the rare times he gets to see me. It was silly to take this much on, but somehow it all became necessary, and somehow I can't drop anything. Plus, I do enjoy everything I'm doing.

So speaking of studying. I already went to the lab (job lab) this morning until 9:30, then came home to study before class at 11. So I guess I'd better get on that.

Let's find a nice picture to leave you with. Here's us at Christmas:

Trying to study

2007-12-17T18:41:00.000-08:00

ME: Come on, Tricia, just focus.

MY BRAIN: But I am SO tired.

ME: You can do it.

BRAIN: No, I really can't. I am on overload and burn-out.

ME: I know, I know. But we are almost there.

BRAIN: No we're not! You've tricked me into believing you many times in the last two weeks, but there's always another exam.

ME: This is the last exam. I promise.

BRAIN: But I know you too well... that can't be it.

ME: Well, there might be a short paper to do...

BRAIN: I knew it!!

ME: ...but then we're completely finished.

BRAIN: No, then there's packing so we can move home for the holidays, then you're going to work the day after you get there, and you have to go Christmas shopping in the 3 days before Christmas, and we're going to go to work nearly every day except Christmas day.

ME: ...um...

BRAIN: And then you're spend time with two or three parts of families, and then work more. ...

ME: ...um...

BRAIN: And then you said you might play at a church event the weekend after Christmas.

ME: ...um... yeah?

BRAIN: So aren't you asking a little too much of me?

ME: You've got it pretty easy, Brain; you should speak to back or neck or eyes... or wrists. They're all feeling a little under-the-weather from sitting at desks and staring at computer screens for two weeks.

BRAIN: Well, after you printed your cheat sheet for the last exam the same on both sides, leaving me to fend for myself on all the questions about skeletal, cardiac, or smooth muscle... I think I've performed past my requirements.

ME: But remember what the profs said about the exam tomorrow!! If we get 100% on the entire exam, they'll give us 100% in the course. Wouldn't that be amazing?

BRAIN: I don't give a **$%&#$**. Let me go to bed.

Only 2 left!

2007-12-12T17:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the prayers! I am pretty sure I also passed my exam today. It was hard, though. I finished with 12 handwritten pages... the end got pretty scrawly but it was legible. My brain feels like it got run over by a truck... studying today has been pretty ineffective. Uneffective? Case in point.

My next one's Friday, then it's home for the weekend to work. Then one more exam and a paper... then I'm home free! Wow it seems like a long ways away. I also hate how grumpy I get during exam time... have to keep reminding myself that it always ends, and I always pass everything. Somehow, when I look back on the semester after it's finished, I see that I got it all done.

Rejoice with me, dear friends!

2007-12-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

I am almost 100% positive that I did pass my biochem exam that I wrote this morning. It was not easy, and my brain was rebelling at what I crammed into it over the last 2 days, but I did remember several things. Probably enough to pass, though not with an A. Or probably even a B. But since this course is all year, I have another midterm and final to add to this one.

It's been tough to fit the study time in, what with working, and 5 other tough classes, and other labs and exams and papers, and the boyfriend, and co-leading my Core group... and you know, there's facebook... (actually I'm not that bad of a facebook junkie; but blog-reading... there is my problem. Also downloading music. My library expands every time I have to study)...

So wish me luck and send me prayers. My next exam is tomorrow morning at 8:30, so I have less than 24 hours to cram for my other hardest class. I have a lot to learn... and this one I can't fail because it actually IS the end of the class... and this exam is worth 40%. Yikes.

Fall on campus is beautiful

2007-11-08T08:48:00.001-08:00

Fall here is absolutely gorgeous. Of course it doesn't look this nice anymore... a lot more drab and dreary. But this is one of the times I managed to have my camera with me on a sunny day a couple weeks ago. It's a little over-exposed, but you get the idea. Colours are amazing.

(None)

2007-10-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

So, I've been told my whole life by certain people that I'm an angry person... and I'll admit, I've got some anger issues. Most people wouldn't tell you that right off the bat, because I don't come across as some ball of fury or whatever and generally seem pretty happy and cheerful.

I've always warned R, however, that I tended towards anger as a form of defense... and he always disagreed with me. Told me people that told me I was angry were just projecting their perceptions onto me... It was kind of nice to hear that.

But the other day he mentioned that he noticed that my anger just kinda goes in cycles... at one thing, then another, then a third thing... then back to the first thing.

Stupid psychology... what happened to the good old days when not everyone had issues? It feels like such a self-centred world right now... everyone needs to discover themselves, and undergo therapy, and "deal with underlying issues" of resentment or whatnot... I guess I was hoping I wouldn't be one of those people. Not that I'm judging anyone.

So it makes me sad... He's very accepting and supportive and whatever, but I'm just sad that he has to deal with that broken part of me when I was hoping that some of those issues were resolved.

I'm starting my new job!!

2007-10-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

So I have to get to Surrey so many times it's not even funny. He wanted me to come in on three consecutive weekdays for training... and I'm like, uhh, pardon? Did he forget that I have classes every day and that I live at UBC?

So I'm going in Saturday/Sunday/Tuesday combos for the next three weekends. I'm going to die. First of all, the hours: 6am-1pm Sat/Sun, 3-10pm Tuesday nights. So I'm going to have to get someone to drive me to city hall at 6 a.m. on weekends, and somehow get back to Vancouver after 10pm on a Tuesday. I'm considering insuring my car... if I'm making more $ I could maybe afford it, but what I really need to be buying is a laptop. Or just food and stuff.

So I'm going to be exhausted. I've got a midterm this Friday and a massive lab report (from a 3-week lab) due on Monday... meaning I won't be getting much of the lab done before the midterm, so it'll all be on the weekend. Also sucky is that I have to be home for the entire weekend. There's no way I can get work done at home. Not only am I on my sister's comp (which doesn't have EXCEL! OH NO!) but it's in the living room. And there is no way that my family can stay away from me ... I'm a delectable target for conversation simply because I'm home. I've GOT to figure out how to find a computer that I can work on.

And then working Tuesday, I'm going to miss the review class for my midterm NEXT week, on the Thursday... so feeling screwed. And since I'm feeling screwed, I'm blogging.

At least I'll be making some decent money for once in my life. Around $24/hour? Really excited for that to show up in my account.

It's been a crazy week

2007-10-13T00:40:00.001-07:00

7 days:

R's surprise birthday hockey game / appy's and drinks at Darby's
Early-morning wait at the US border
Day of shopping
Family birthday dessert
Up early for first service at church
Thanksgiving lunch at my house
Thanksgiving dinner at R's house
Grocery shopping Monday morning
Drive back home
Study
Three midterms
Jimmy Eat World concert at the Commodore
Lunch with Katie
2.5 year "dating-iversary"

And the highlight!! I got a new duvet cover!! For some strange reason I love all new bedding. This is my newest enjoyment (from Jysk, on sale for a student's price):

Doesn't it look cozy? It's calling to me as we speak. I'm going to join it.

This is how I feel

2007-09-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

Like this... plus exhausted.

My furniture is so comfortable

2007-09-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

What a cutie.

This is what it takes to "cuddle" on the couch.

Practice

2007-09-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

So I decided to take a photo ramble through campus, since R is gone for the weekend and I'm trying to just take a day to relax. I've been learning some photography theory and wanted to explore the capabilities of my (actually, R's) camera - exposure, aperture, shutter speed, etc. I got rather discouraged when I was out there, feeling like I couldn't capture what I wanted to, but some of the pictures look okay. At least, there are elements about some of them that I've never been able to quite master before. Not that they're mastered now, by any means.

View of foggy fields on my way to work every day

2007-09-15T10:49:00.001-07:00

Blogging re-initiated now that I have no time

2007-09-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Yep, how many of you missed me? I had a decent summer, wasn't too packed. I worked. Now that I'm back at school, and my full schedule is looming, I shall re-familiarize you all with my life as it is. Since I have so much free time now.

How about a class list:

1) Biochemistry 303 (looks hard - runs all year. Lots of memorizing chemical structures. Ugh.)
2) Biology 300 - Biometrics (like a stats class. Shouldn't be too bad, there's a computer-lab component as well)
3) Biology 331 - Developmental Biology (looks hard as well - 4 credit class instead of the usual 3. Also a lab component)
4) Biology 334 - Intro to Genetic Analysis (fun!!! I LOVE this class so far. It's all puzzles and tracing genetic diseases - not much memorizing either, just applying problem-solving skills)
5) Biology 361 - Cell physiology (my prof talks super fast, but this class shouldn't be too bad)
6) Biology 360 - Cell physiology lab, runs all year, with no associated lecture. Stands on its own. Looks fun.

I'm also co-leading a Core group (like a Bible study, associated with University Christian Ministries on campus), and attending weekly meetings, and possibly serving in a musical/worship area, though that is my last priority and they are aware of that.

AND! I'm getting a JOB!! Good thing, because I'm running out of money. I was also hoping to go on this retreat next weekend with UCM, but it's an extra $55 I don't have... amazing how my budget constricts. Once my scholarship's in maybe I won't feel so tight.

And now I don't feel so tight because I know this job is on the way!! I have been waiting for about a month and a half since the first interview - it's a typist job in Surrey for the RCMP, so I have to have security clearance. I had to do a security interview, and I knew it would be a long process... but I almost gave up hope. I think everyone that I told about this potential job thinks it fell through because it's been so long. But I heard from her today, and she's finally got the clearance, meaning we can start on the next step! Like working!! It'll suck to be going back to Surrey so often, but I am just an auxiliary (not the full-timer) so I am not the only person they rely on... it sounds like we can adjust pretty well for time. Like Saturdays and maybe one or two evenings/week. And it's union pay, so it's worth the travel time even for one shift.

Leaving my job this summer was kind of sad - I got to know my co-workers so much better this year. Felt like part of the team, and I was way more useful this year as well. Helps to not have to train from the beginning. I was indespensable! Felt good.

And on my last day, my boss brought in a big bouquet of flowers for me and they all signed a card hoping I'll be back next summer (they're sucking up because they got all these phone calls for references for this during-the-school-year job). AND the ladies all got together (3 of them in my department, 2 in reception) and bought me Timmy Ho's gift certificates!! They know how I love my morning coffees and they know I feel tight for money and they handed me a stack of ten booklets! That's $50 to Tim Hortons. Since we have 2 on campus I can afford to buy one coffee/week (say... Mondays?) and do that both semesters without losing a penny. I'm so thankful for the blessing of that job and those nice ladies.

And R and I are still together (he's on the first floor of my building this year, and I'm on the third).

I really miss my little sister.

I love the weather here - it's been hot but today was the first foggy day. I forgot how much I love the wind and fog on the point - stirs the romantic in me.

So tell me something. What do you want to hear about this year? I see all these themes in other peoples' blogs - Foto Fridays, Hair Thursdays, etc. For all you (3) faithful readers, maybe I'd find a funny comment to share each day I post. Or post a picture to epitomize my life that day. Any thoughts?

I'm not very good with random

2007-05-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

1. I was homeschooled for a total of 4.5 years, interspersed with three different elementary schools, a middle school, and a high school.

2. I have 3 adopted siblings, 2 of which we still get in touch with occasionally. My parents were young and the 3 kids (all siblings with each other) had fetal alcohol syndrome. It was a challenge.

3. I taught myself to read before kindergarten and I spent the next 10 years with my face glued in books... a common answer to the question "where's Tricia?" was "reading on the can."

4. Despite being a science student, I get incredibly fixated (OCD anyone?) on spelling mistakes. Just ask me about the most common ones (tomorrow... it only has one "m"). I will rant.

5. One time I dyed two front pieces of my hair blonde. Then I decided to streak my hair blue (semi-permanently) but it just looked black, with green pieces in front. I tried to re-bleach them to lose the green and they turned orange... so I had orange/black/green hair. That was the end of my hair-dyeing attempts.

6. My first celebrity crush was on Phil, from the Newsboys. There was one line he sang that I would play over and over again on the music video machine at the Christian bookstore. I think I had a thing for his long hair.

7. I can't wait to have a baby. All I read about these days is poop and vomiting and tired and busy and terrible two's - but none of that can stop me. This machine is built for baby-making!! I turned 19 and maternal instinct just kicked in - never really thought of myself as a baby-person before that... I was all about a career. This doesn't mean I don't want a career, but now every time I see a baby R tries to cover my eyes so I don't ask him for one.

So! I don't know if I know 7 bloggers that haven't already done this... so I'm tagging Steph, Christine, Laura (though I understand if she doesn't do it, cuz she's in Africa), Sarah J (who I also haven't heard anything from in forever), Kim, and Heather.

Here are the rules… Each person tagged gives 7 random facts about themselves. Those tagged need to write in their blogs the 7 facts, as well as the rules of the game. You need to tag seven others and list their names on your blog. You have to leave those you plan on tagging a note in their comments so they know that they have been tagged and to read your blog.

Yay!

2007-05-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

My last grade finally came in. I am becoming more and more pleased with my grades. My first semester at UBC was a shocker - I had a better-than-4.0 at TWU, but I quickly learned that TWU didn't have quite the academic standards that UBC has. My first term at UBC kinda flattened my faith in my academic level, but as I'm getting more and more used to the huge classes - and the need to network, immediately - they're slowly raising. I got straight A's this term, if you count A minuses:

Physical Chemistry: 84% (A-)
Intro to Biochemistry: 80% (A-)
Invertebrate Zoology: 81% (A-)
Organic Chemistry Lab: 89% (A)
Diatonic Harmony: 89% (A) I think I need to switch majors... music here I come!

So I've never been happy with 80 percents, but I'm realizing that 80%'s are GREAT!! Especially if they're relatively consistent. I'm learning not to be deathly dependent on good grades - other things are more important. I'm more excited to take more 3rd-year classes, cuz they'll be more specialized and interesting. Harder, but not so boring.

So I went back to my old job

2007-05-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

What's different:

I got a raise! ($1.50!!)
I have a new desk neighbour who's much friendlier and more talkative than my last one.
I have no stapler. Very sad.
I have no phone (good and bad... good because less responsibility, but I think my supervisor's getting one for me soon)
There's construction everywhere, and our street is now a one-way, full of pylons and dirt and gravel. I have to take 2 detours to get to work and I have to double-park in our shrinking parking lot. We have to have vehicle ID tags in case someone who's boxed in has to leave.
I have a corkboard now instead of shelves (good for all the papers on my desk, bad for where I can put my binders of product info)
We have new warehouse locations, new procedures, new prices, new products - many things to learn.
I have a cool little "office organizer" - you know, the black wire mesh things - for my pen (singular) and pencil (again singular) and paper clips and white-out and sticky notes. There are too many empty compartments. I have to find some more office supplies just to fill out the organizer a little bit.
A new fax machine!! The 6 works the first time I press it!! Every time!!
I'm trying to drink more water at my desk.
A new monitor! Flat screen, no more big clunky old one.
My computer is slower than I remember. They sure spared no expense. My order entry skills seem tainted because I have to wait for the computer to catch up with ME.

What's the same:

It's still freezing. A/C is my friend, but I think they overdo it a little bit. Walking out the door requires shedding 3 layers of sweaters.
It's still boring.
Shipping details are still what mess me up the most.
We still have weekly meetings.
Morning coffee is still free!
Order entry is still boring.
I'm at the same desk in the same corner by the IT door so the poor guy has to go around my chair anytime he goes in the IT room.
I still dressed up nicely for the first day, and came the second day as per usual, without makeup.
Everyone else is still super nice, though a few new people have come and a few old people are gone.
Did I mention it's still boring?
My feet are cold.
McDonald's is still nearby... so I'm still always tempted... packing a lunch is still boring and there's still no food at my house with which to do it. I've held out so far.

Tech-y

2007-05-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm so proud of myself! I bought a router today and set up a wireless network in my house. Security-enabled it and everything, with a network key. This way I have a computer with internet in my room (my own) and I don't have to fight with my sister for her internet. Sweet deal.

"My Personality Album"

2007-05-01T16:37:00.001-07:00

In moving home, I am doing some sorting. I found a little booklet that I filled out when I was thirteen. I found it funny to read what I wrote and see how small I dreamed. It was called "My Personality Album." Spelling/grammar is retained.

Me

The nickname that best describes me is snigelfritz.
Three words that describe my personality are easily angered, organized and artsy, talkative (I'm not good at keeping to three words, am I?)
My most appealing physical feature is my eyes.
What makes me an interesting person is you can never be sure of what I'm going to do, and I have lots of useful (or useless) facts.
Three things that drive me nuts are pimples, being embarrassed, and bad-hair-days. (I think I only got about 1 zit per year, and yet I complained?)

Friends

The qualities I value most in my friendships are fairness, the ability to have fun, and that they accept me.
The times I most need a friend are when I'm embarrassed, sad, or just plain lonely.
What my friends and I enjoy doing together most is talking and listening to music, or art. (listening to art? wow, grammar is good)

My family

How I feel about my parents: Sometimes they have too many rules and expect too much of me, but I love them.
Two famous people I'd pick for parents are my mom and dad's names (I didn't exactly go outside of the box there)
My siblings' best qualities are: my brother is kind and helpful, and my sister is kind and sensitive.
They drive me crazy when they tease me or leave my room messy.

Party time

My idea of a great party is going to play laser tag or going horse-back-riding.
The guy I'd like most to be my date is Darnell
Famous guests I'd like to invite: Jaci Velasquez, DC Talk, Newsboys, Carl Brenders
What I'd serve: Pop, pizza, nachos, cheezies, mini carrots, oreo ice-cream cake.
My favourite rock group is DC Talk
The three songs that mean the most to me are Wanna be in the Light, Time is..., Jesus Freak
My favourite female singer is Jaci Velasquez
My favourite male singer is Phil (Newsboys)
My favourite album is Jesus Freak
My favourite single cut is Wanna be in the Light
I think the most talented musician in the world is Jaci Velasquez because she is the best singer I've ever heard.

School Days

The best part about going to school is all the people
The worst part is The HOMEWORK!!!!!
My favourite subject is Explorations (this is a shocker, considering it's a mix of socials/English and I'm definitely NOT an arts student now)

Free Time

My favourite indoor activity is DRAWING to music.
My favourite outdoor activity is street hockey.
How I keep busy: Reading, drawing, homework, listening to music, chores, telephone, Nintendo
My favourite thing to do during summer vacation is Swim in a lake with Dad, Bro, Sis, and Mom

Dreams and Wishes

My secret wish is to become like Jaci Velasquez and be an artist and vet.
Two things I would grab if my room caught fire are my wallet and my Bible. (ever practical with the wallet idea)
How I'd make my first million: My first Maxi Single. (??)
How I'd spend my first millioni: Debts, colleges, keep most, half to missions.
These are the things I'd buy on a free-spending shopping spree: Art supplies, gift certificates, never-ending supply of gifts, cd's, discman, clothes
The two best gifts anyone could give me would be love, opportunities
The two worst gifts anyone could give me would be underwear, textbooks (now I WISH my textbooks could be given to me! What was I thinking?!)
The things I would take to a desert island are survival books, matches, an axe
A conversation I'd love to overhear would be about my gifts - ie. Art, drama, music, etc. (wow, I was sure humble?)
The title of a book I'd like to write is The Story of My Life (boring book, boring title)
The menu for the best meal I can imagine is Pizza, veggies, smokies, cheezies, 7-up, chips (hmm... best meal ever? Again, I sure dreamed big)

Let's get serious

The best part of my life now is school and youth.
the most difficult problem that faces me now is how to grow in my relationship with Christ.
The part of me that nobody knows is that I sometimes wonder what sex is like (this was a terrible burden of a secret for a sheltered 13-year-old... I felt horrible just admitting that I wondered! Gotta love growing up in guilt and fear)
This is what I expect to be doing in ten years: Be going through University, and going on Missions Trips (The university part is on track; two years from now I'll be graduating, hopefully)
A recurring dream I have is Claire's dad keeps dying (he hasn't died yet, as far as I know)
My earliest childhood memory is mom or dad trying on a dress on me and saying that it's too big.
Two words that describe my love life are adoring and young. (??)
The three most important words in the English language are love, life, and food. (hahahahahhahaa... yep it was still me way back then!)
My favourite pick-me-up when I'm sad is music and hugs.

The end.

All of that talk about art and drawing reminded me how much I liked it way back when. And I also came across this drawing, that I drew when I was ten. Now as much as I don't want to toot my own horn, here, I don't think I could draw this kind of thing now. Obviously I copied from a picture, as I usually do, but don't get me wrong - I was not a tracer. I am a firm believer in not tracing.

So I was impressed with myself. Ten is young. Makes me wonder why I didn't pursue it. All because of my tiny school where you had to choose between art and music. Stinking choices.

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Robert Frost

2007-04-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

R and I celebrated our two-year datin'-iversary on April 12. To put a cap on a tough year, and start an amazing new one, we got to go out on a date together, alone. It was the last day of classes, so we had no tests or exams to monopolize our evening (remember Valentine's Day?). We went to the Cellar, a jazz club I've been wanting to go to for about two years. It was busy and noisy, but a good time.

I love this boy. He makes me feel special and he's my best friend. Not to mention a great kisser and a loyal companion.

I was giving him heck yesterday because of his haircut. Not because he got it cut, because I love it, and he's sexier than he's ever been - but because we haven't had a picture together in so long that I missed the whole era of his long hair. I get jealous easily, and sometimes I see these brand new couples and their kazillion pictures of them together, going on great adventures - and my picture reservoir from this year contains us studying, us studying, and ... us studying. Sometimes there's a beach shot or two, with no one in them.

So I loved his long hair since he got this new hairdresser that shaped it nicely. It was fun to play with, even if he was always in need of a haircut. And as of last weekend it's short, and usually full of wax. But definitely hot, particularly since the stubble of neglect is growing in more evenly and manly than when we first started dating. But I was panicking that I had no pictures to mark the era. Also I was giving him heck by implying that most boyfriends (at least new ones) want pictures with their girlfriends, to mark their territory or do some slight bragging.

I found the one, above, and also several from the actual day of our dating-iversary, since he brought me flowers! Of course, there are none of us together:

You can see the fascinating subject of my concentration, even on the most celebrated day.

So. Pictures of us - together - will come more often, now that it is summer. Even though he has another course... when that is done, we will be trigger-happy.

Waiting

2007-04-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

I am waiting to hear back from a potential job. I have a knot in my stomach. Pray that I get it, as it's $5 more than my last job, per hour, and then I don't have to go crawling back to my previous employer and ask if my position is still open.

Please!

Top 10 Things I have learned about studying, in order of increasing importance

2007-04-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

The only way a boyfriend can be a good study buddy is if I look like I'm about to have a nervous meltdown. If I look panicked enough, he'll leave me in silence. Otherwise, every 30 seconds is a question about his own work, or a "Hey, did you know..." tidbit from his studies or his Time magazine. Very much distracts me and breaks up any concentration I may have had.
Msn does not help me study, whether I'm talking to someone from my class or not. Facebook also does not help.
Blogs do not help me study.
Music must be off. My brain is no longer sharp enough to concentrate with music. Even classical is a stretch. Anything else I realize I'm just bellowing at the top of my lungs and meanwhile reading the same paragraph over and over.
My brain is much duller than it used to be. I can no longer study only the day before. My memory is not what it used to be.
Chemistry is not my friend. It may pose, but it's not my friend.
If you want to study in science, be prepared... Psychology is really Biology, Biology is really all chemistry, Chemistry is essentially physics and Physics is all Calculus.
Sometimes I just have to start. Dreading the beginning of a new subject doesn't get me anywhere. Also, learning a lesson about procrastination doesn't mean I will remember the lesson.
Watching stupid episodes of the O.C. do not help me study in the least.
Most importantly: when studying for 18 hours straight in the same chair, I will never again wear underwear with elastic around the bum. This causes much pain and a deep, deep elastic-rubbed crease. This is the most important lesson I can share with anyone.

Interview!

2007-04-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

These five questions were asked of me by Angella. Read to the end to discover how the interview can come to you!

1. Assuming calories don't count, what is your favourite - a salty or sweettreat?

This is a tough question. I love the sweet treat occasionally, but it's hard to separate whether I like salty treats more just because of their nature or because I feel less guilty eating them. I do love a salty treat more often than a sweet one, but if I had to give one up for my whole life, I'd give up the salty ones simply because of the number of options.

I don't like pretzels, and I don't like many snacky foods, like popcorn or many potato chips. I like tostitos/corn chips, and cheesy doritos, and cheesies (but ONLY the hard and crunchy ones). With sweet treats, on the other hand, even though I don't like most candies or cheesecake, I can enjoy everything from ice cream to frozen yogurt to chocolate and sour candies!

2. If you could live anywhere in the world (other than where you are),where would it be?

I would live in a place like France, where I've heard that post-secondary education is funded by the country, or Italy because of the beautiful beaches. Australia also sounds sweet, but since the question is actually about living somewhere else, I'm pretty happy with Canada. I know this is exactly what the question said not to pick, but I have to choose my home country. I don't have to worry to the same extent about the water (usually) or food being contaminated, or personal safety. Health care may suck to us spoiled Canadians but at least it's covered. And what better Canadian place to live than beautiful BC? We have the highest marine diversity in the world; I couldn't move anywhere that has the big city that I love so close to the sunshine coast, with tons of amazing species just waiting for me to study them.

3. What do you do when nobody's looking?

I watch tv. If we are perfectly honest, I may have been known to pick my nose once or twice... childhood habit that never got kicked, I guess. But I know I'm not alone. Any fellow gold-diggers out there?

4. If you could be a celebrity for a day, who would you be?

Hmm... a celebrity. Preferably one that is not writing any exams right now. It's hard to think of someone I'd want to be for only one day. I can think of people I'd want to be with. Maybe Dave Matthews - make him play music for me all day and make sure to hook him up with all my talented friends.

Maybe I'd be "that celebrity guy" from the commercials, so that I can opt out of all his future contracts. Those commercials are retarded.

Or I'd be Hilary Duff, so I can hold a press conference and tell all the little children/teen girls to pay no attention to me from here on in, because I will inevitably follow the path laid out by Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. It goes from "I'm a virgin" to "I'm just comfortable with my body" to "Look out, skank-hos! Here I come to be queen"

5. Coke or Pepsi, diet or all sugar?

Used to be a die-hard Coke fan, but I caved. Now it's pepsi, all sugar.

So! If you would like to join in on the interviewing party, follow these directions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Can't say anything worthwhile

2007-04-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off writing until I could say something significant about Kim, but I can't get to that point. Her memorial is today, and I'm going to be singing with my brother and sister-in-law. What happened, briefly, is here. My parents have been "sharing memories" all the past few days I've been home, and I realize they're also struggling - but I just want some space. Sometimes you're not ready for the memory sharing. Today's going to be an emotional day and It feels like I've got this lead weight in my gut.

One of my favourite memories is documented here. My brother and I were playing at EA, a coffeeshop in Langley. My bro surprised Kim by forcing her to get up on stage and play some of her own stuff. Brave girl she is, she did it. She was always taking opportunities and meeting obstacles head on, with a big laugh.

Porn and Donuts

2007-03-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

Well, yet another reminder that UBC isn't the little happy private school that TWU was. And yet another thankful prayer sent heavenward that I didn't have to live in a dorm here!

Our buddy lives in "Vanier," one of the first-year dorms. It's tiny and cramped and dingy and cheap. He saw a sign for a "Porn and donuts" party. He figured the porn part was a joke, or maybe even just 'soft porn.' There's no way people would actually watch something like that together, right? In a group? No way.

But he loves his donuts, and went to grab one. There were about 50 people there, and a big-screen tv playing some hardcore, not-soft porn. They had the windows covered so you couldn't see in from the outside. People were milling around eating donuts, like the tv was background noise. Our buddy booted it out of there in about 10 seconds (enough time to grab a donut, haha).

So, yet another way of desensitizing us. This is a legitimate event organized by the housing directors. Let it happen in groups, let people get over the awkwardness of it, and soon it'll be ok in every area of our lives. It makes me sick.

This is unreal

2007-03-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

How much of a genius are you?

2007-03-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

Let's start ignoring all my previous posts. Here's to the power of positive thinking!! And prayer, which is going to pull me out of my emotional rut.

No more ranting about family, or boyfriend being busy, or me sucking at school. It's all under control. I've learned that lesson several times before - I have no desire to learn it again, now that I remember what it took for me to realize it earlier.

Of course, I'll still be honest, as per the title of the blog, just maybe not to the whiny extent that I have been.

Something for you to do today - takes 20 minutes. It's an IQ test to find out how Canadians measure up. I was above average, exactly one point lower than my predicted IQ. Any guesses, anyone who knows me? R, you don't get to guess. Leave a comment with your prediction and if you get it, you get five stars (don't guess too high - my IQ got royally swamped by R's 126. At least maybe we'll have smart kids).

Has anyone seen this guy? Julian Beever? He does this amazing art. It's flat on the pavement, with chalk. Some of them aren't great, but several are amazing.

Not even the hose is real...
People are walking around this "hole."

The ones where it looks like there's a gaping hole in the pavement are the best. There are more here.

It's sunny today

2007-03-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

I love springtime. I'm already thinking about shorts and tanks that I'll be comfortable in soon.

Watching Lost tonight probably, with R! Yaaaaaay. We're nearly caught up to what they're playing now on tv... and then we're going to have to wait and watch it weekly. So we will be addicted, and Wednesday nights will be another opportunity for me to see and spend an hour with R. Because he may be too busy for me, but he won't be too busy for me and Lost together.

Today was productive. I went grocery shopping after my first class then came home and cleaned my place. There's a room inspection tomorrow... and I swear, none of my roommates ever bother to clean the bathrooms or the kitchen. They'll do their dishes, or try and appear like they've done some cleaning, but they really haven't. So I cleaned both bathrooms, including the grungy shower/tub, and the kitchen, and mopped all of the floors. So hopefully they'll appreciate it and keep it that way, at least until tomorrow. And maybe someone will take the hint and vacuum the living room.

Looks like I'm probably coming home again this weekend, which means I can't go with my invertebrate lab on the field trip to the aquarium. That's kind of sad; I love the aquarium, and it would be awesome to go through and hear about my favourite organisms from someone who knows a lot about them. But I guess you win some and lose some.

Comin up next month is our 2 year dating anniversary, R and I. That seems like quite a milestone. Last year we went out for a fancy dinner (with a coupon; but I even wore a dress), and then to the orpheum for a concert - a tribute to mozart. It was amazing. I wonder what we're going to do this year. I kind of feel like maybe I should plan something... but at the same time, I feel like I'd love for him to take me out, again. I feel like I've stepped up to the plate a lot this year, and most if not all of our "dates" are initiated by me and decently (at least half) funded by me. And we agreed at the beginning of this year that we'd be making more time for dates during the school year... but this semester he's been so busy. I almost feel like he owes me a real date, where he takes me out, because I am being such a supportive gf and allowing him to be so busy without me; at the same time, I know it's not really his fault. I'd just really like a date. He even has coupons for a free movie still - anything, as long as he takes me and I get to sit and worry about nothing. And feel like he likes to be with me.

Maybe this post is a test to see how often he checks up on me. Hear that, babe? ;)

Wasting time between classes

2007-03-09T14:19:00.000-08:00

A duck cash scam

This guy knows how to relax

Good balance

Time to transfer schools

Maybe they should lower ticket prices

Awwwwwww - how determined

Boogers

2007-03-09T14:01:00.000-08:00

So R and I have reached a new level in our relationship. He picked a booger out of his own nose and stuck it in my mouth. This was despite my sense that it was coming, and despite my very serious use of his full name. I guess when you really love each other... you just really want to share. Or the little boy in him can't resist asking for that wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock that so often appears on my face. If we're this retarded already, how am I supposed to defend myself ten years from now? It'll be toe jam, or bellybutton lint, or massive balls of collected dandruff. There's no telling what he may come up with.

I'm going home this weekend. Going to hang out with my sister, and visit my brother and his wife in their new house! Going to play at a worship service with some very old very good friends, like a band reunion. I am way excited about playing with them; we don't practice, we just get on stage and we breathe the same music. It's an amazing experience that I can never describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. I could worship as a group like that for hours; I'm really looking forward to being refreshed by God through it. I really have to get into something like that again, because my soul feels like it's diving into an ice-cold lake on a hot day. Going for months - even years, maybe - without that, when I know what I'm missing out on, is discouraging. So I am excited!

Something a little lighter!

2007-03-07T14:25:00.000-08:00

Shipwreck

2007-03-07T14:02:00.000-08:00

I built a fortress, with a hundred thousand faces,
I'll keep it safe, with a hundred thousand more.
But these masks are wearing thin, as You draw me in.

I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting.
I spent my life on much less than what I'd dreamed.
But I'm reaching out to You, to make me new.

'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.

You tell my story as You sift between the pages.
I feel redemption in the space between each turn.
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?

- Starfield, "Shipwreck"

The girls in my Bible study (CORE group) are really good for me. And I've been surprised every time at how much God blesses me for going every week. No matter how tired I am, or how stubborn I may feel, he pulls something out that surprises me.

I've been feeling a lot of things lately. Top of the list is lonely and failing. When I get to the point when I feel like I've failed God too many times to come back, I simply don't bother. I pull myself into my shell - I love my safe little shell - and I try and wait it out. I feel more and more abandoned by God, and more and more angry that he hasn't shown up. I know with every neuron in my brain that it's my own self pulling back and refusing to let him soften my heart, but I still feel angry. I know that every day that I put off reading his word, and trying to talk to him, that I make things worse for myself. I know that it doesn't get easier after I've had my "break" from him, or done things my own way for a while. I know this. But it still takes so much energy to break open that shell and let him in again. Half the reason is that I don't feel like I have time to genuinely open myself; if I do I'll start crying and I'll feel like a failure yet again. Who has time to cry? Too much emotion there to bother with. I know that I'm refusing to trust in him by reacting this way, but trust is so hard. Still, after everything he's done. Crazy, I know.

So I go to Core. Don't plan to say anything. But our leader shakes things up, and asks people to say how they're really doing. She opens up and says that she's been feeling really tested by God, and worn out - mentally exhausted - from battling with him. A few other people say a few things. And then I spoke up about all of the above. I mentioned that like two days earlier I decided to kick myself at least half into gear, and read something out of the Bible. I wasn't planning on making myself pray, still feeling angry and not ready to give up my grip on my own heart. But I figured I'd at least start the process, if only a little bit. I went back to where I had left off in my regular reading, and read the parable of the ten virgins. The line that stood out to me was just before the story, Matt 24:44: "So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."

This almost made me angrier. Why can't God just leave me in peace for a week or two? Here I was trying to hear from him, then I was angry when I did. "He can't expect me to be perfectly ready and at peace with him constantly. If he chooses to come when I am struggling with him, that's his own fault."

And then one of the girls said, "Wow, Trish, this is crazy. I was feeling really abandoned this week, and I read that same parable two days ago."

Talk about "coincidences."

She opened up about her own feeling of dryness, and how she feels like it stems from the fact that she fills her time and fulfills her needs with other things, so much so that she doesn't even realize how much she needs God anymore. She feels abandoned by him, but really it's because she's not pushing into him. And it's so true - the fact that we lose our need for God. I fill up my life with the things that are supposed to make me happy. I have money, food, a place to live, a school, a future career, a boyfriend for the self-esteem, friends for the fellowship - I "have everything." Yet it's when my life is empty of needs that it's really empty of God.

So I'm now more open to the idea of re-opening my heart. I feel a little more strongly how important it is to make sure I get back on track. Not because I'm afraid Jesus will come back and I won't be perfectly in harmony with him. That would be a stupid reason, and he knows it. He knows my heart; he knows I have an understanding with him - that I am his child and I will always return. But he doesn't want to "give me space." He wants me to come to his space. To his rest.

Calm

2007-03-07T12:28:00.000-08:00

The rain falling last night was one of my favourite types. It was a warm night, I didn't need a jacket, and there was no wind. The rain was coming down calmly, big drops but not many of them. The only sound you hear is a gentle pitter-patter that muffles the traffic noises. The pavement sparkles and nothing feels in a hurry; the drops are lazily falling and they're not thrown every which way by the wind. I enjoyed it. I really felt calmed by the rain. Thank the Lord for that brief respite.

Book list

2007-03-02T14:38:00.001-08:00

In the list of books below:

old the ones you’ve read,
italicize the ones you want to read (I'm not going to bother, because there will be many),
underline the ones you won’t touch with a ten-foot pole (I can't un-underline it from a previous person... I don't have anything underlined),
put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf,
and asterisk (*) in front of the ones you’ve never heard of (this will be embarrassing... I think I have no culture).

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown) -- I started this one but it wasn't mine and I had to leave the vicinity of the book. I'm guessing it'll be better than the movie was (really laaame...) but kinda still like a hoax.
2. +Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) - Really like this one.
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell) - Kind of surprised I've never read this.
5. +The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. +The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. +The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. +Anne of Green Gables (L. M. Montgomery) - How many of these books, is the question? I'm sure I read like, the 10 "real ones" by LM Montgomery, and then some.
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. *A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling) - I just went through the whole list without bolding Harry Potter books, with my superior nose in the air... and then I remembered that I think I read 5 of them the summer I had mono. Don't remember them, but I must admit they got read.
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. *A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. *The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. +Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. +The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J. D. Salinger)
23. +Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. *The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. +Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. +The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. *Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks) - Can't believe I really read this. I may be actually mixing it up with other Nicholas Sparks books... are they supposed to be different? Gotta say I loved the movie, of course.
33. *Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. +1984 (Orwell)
35. *The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. *The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. *The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. *The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. *The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. *The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. +The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom) - Got this as a gift as an English award in high school. It was interesting, but not outstanding I don't think.
45. +Bible - Probably not completely all the way through.
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy) - Half of it.
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas) - Really good. Don't even bother watching the movie, especially afterwards.
48. *Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. *She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. *The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. *Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. +The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald) - Yay first year English class.
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling) -Wow there is a lot of Harry Potter on here.
58. *The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. *The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview with the Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. *Fifth usiness (Robertson Davis)
66. *One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. +The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares) - I own this book in French... I've only read about a third of it. Didn't have time to soldier on.
68. +Catch-22 (Joseph Heller) - I bought this for Rich, at his request... and I've read it, and not him. I'd like to consider it part of my own collection, so I included a plus sign.
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) - I read Le Petit Prince, not the English version.
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding) -- this is the last book I read. Finished it last week.
72. *Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. *The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. *The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. *A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. *The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. *Not Wanted On the Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. *Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. *Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. +Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. +Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) - I really liked this one. Pushed the envelope nicely.
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. *Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. *Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. *In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. +Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. *The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. *The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S. E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. *A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. *The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

Little bits

2007-03-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

Aeolidiella cf. drusilla

Yeah, so I seriously just spent like an hour looking for this picture. Nudibranchs (sea slugs) are the absolute most beautiful animals in the world and I was inspired by a slideshow in class this morning to share this one with you. It's not the most colourful, but it is the one that looks most like the one I found at our friend's cabin on the sunshine coast. Obviously it's not the same species, since this one is native to New Zealand... but I looked through a gazillion lists. This morning my prof showed one in class that looked exactly like the one I found, and the habitat fit, but I didn't write down the name! All I could remember was that it started with an A. So I clicked on a billion links and this one LOOKS closest, so I'm sure none of you care that it's not exactly the one I found. That's ok. I'll post more pictures of more beautiful, tropical ones later.

So I am bummed out. My grades are sucking. I had so much to write but I feel like not bothering anymore.

The other day I went my first full day since the surgery without a nap - then went to bed at 10:00. But far from sleeping well, I tossed and turned all night. Woke up like 6 times with numb limbs. And I kept having these weird dreams... and in my half-awake state I convinced myself that I, the amazing writer of prose, could turn these weird dreams into something significant and philosophical. You know, like those "deep" stories we'd read in high school that were all symbolic. I half awoke, and analyzed the meanings of my dreams, planning to finally do something useful and write them down. Of course, as day really dawned, I realized they were all gibberish, and there was nothing to glean from any point in the dream. It was something about like, a change room attendant bringing my sister and I clothes to try on... and she was treating us nicely because she missed her own sister.... like I said. I can't believe I pulled a fast one on myself thinking I may have had something to say ... ! Even if I had the technical training.

Hahaha, none of that makes any sense.

I felt the worst probably yesterday that I did since the surgery. Drugs making me dizzy so I'm pretty much done them. My face got suddenly swollen and I got a sudden insecurity fix. I barely see R, and I'm lonely. I've only really not spent time with him for a week, but I got this sudden complex about my belly growing fatter over the week span. Amazing how a week of crappiness can change your secure feeling. I haven't really felt insecure about us as a couple for a long time... but combined with feeling like I'm gaining weight, and failing classes (my grades SUCK and I'm bummed because it's one of those times when I feel like I actually should be doing better... but I'm not. So I don't even know what I don't know), and being on drugs. And not seeing R.

So tonight we're goin with matt and katie out for sushi. All-you-can-eat. Which doesn't help my weight feeling :) But it SURE helps the "I miss sushi" feeling. Particularly I miss sunomono salad. And hopefully the "I miss R" feeling, because he is NOT allowed to touch his books for at least THREE HOURS STRAIGHT tonight. I seriously haven't seen him all week and it sucks. Sucks a lot. So I have to milk it over the weekend and save up for another week without him. I'm so lonely. I even miss my parents this week; don't get me wrong - my parents are great. But I really enjoy my space from them. Just this week I saw some tv with a dad on it that reminded me of my own dad... how he used to be. I miss how my dad used to be. We don't have the relationship we used to - I used to feel like a daddy's girl, but now he feels fake every time he talks to me.

Wow, I just got an e-mail from my mom. Interesting. Signing off; I'm going to try and get an assignment done and then I'm going to make TUNA BAGEL MELTS for lunch!! I'm SO EXCITED about solid foods and I LOVE food. Feels like it's the only thing that I really look forward to lately - either looking forward to class being over, or to the weekend starting, or to my next meal. I wish I liked school again.

Lots has happened

2007-02-26T14:09:00.000-08:00

I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday morning. Everything went swimmingly, and I'm barely swollen. This is me today, 3 days after - probably with the largest cheeks that I got during the whole time. I suck at taking my own pictures.I got sedated, which means I was awake but there was a nice amnesia component to the IV which caused me to forget everything. I didn't get the side effects of going fully under, but I don't remember any grinding or breaking. I kept the two smaller teeth, that got kept intact - and BOY! They are HUGE!! I may make them into a Tarzan Necklace.

So after all the horror stories, I survived fine. My biggest problem is that I get SO HUNGRY!! Pudding, jello, porridge, soup, scrambled eggs even the day after, are NOT enough. I LOVE food, and it's so hard not to eat whatever I want. Today I'm gettin into the solid food a little, and into the stage where the crap gets stuck in the holes in the back of your mouth. Kinda gross. But worth it to eat real food again.

I'm back in classes, only took one T-3 today at 7:30 a.m. Painkillers are gettin weaned off pretty quickly. It was nice too cuz R bought me some "orajel" - the gum-numbing stuff for babies. It's been nice, especially cuz I ripped a couple stitches yesterday... already. Seems as though I can't quit laughing with my mouth wide open.

Been nice to see R a little more too - he spent most of the day with me Friday, picked up my perscriptions, and Saturday I was already over at his place playing cranium with everyone. We watched a bunch of lost - my brain wasn't foggy like I expected, but I still am taking the extra day extension on my lab exam because I gave myself two days without studying (even though I could've studied if I'd really been motivated).

So that's the big news.

Also, while in hometown this weekend I helped R make a trial version of a ring, in his shop. It's so comfy, and I like it - I like the wood grain, just wish it was darker. Or that I had a tan.

Mmmm, I also went to an "exercise" class with Dayna over the break... turns out it was an Abs, Butt, and Thighs class. Thought I was taking it easy but the next day I could hardly walk. Anything squatting (going down stairs, sitting on the toilet) was TORTURE. I don't remember ever being that sore. Kinda nice to get on the painkillers for the teeth so that I could walk again!

So much for my new gym kick.

I also went back to that sketchy scale, played around with a funny dial on the side. Took some surveys of other scales, and I think I weigh exactly what I thought I did originally. So much for that amazing moment where I thought I was more than 10 pounds lighter than I'd been thinking. Guess I can't read a scale.

Last week of school / midterms, before the break, I nearly DIED. I had a physical Chem midterm Tuesday morning... was one of those ones where you don't know how it went. One question I'm sure I got solidly, the other one I messed around with for a while and who knows how it may have gone.

Then Thursday night, at 7, AFTER organic lab where my solvents wouldn't cooperate, I had a biochem midterm for 2 hours. I think it went amazingly. I hope. But then I had a midterm the next morning at 8, in invertebrates... and it went horribly. Then I had a midterm at 1, in Diatonic Harmony. That one got nailed. I decided that if I got 100% on the music midterm, I'm switching majors. It'd be so nice to be the best at something again.

So that was a long stretch of midterms. I was tired.

Since Valentine's got canceled this year, because of these exams (and R's, on the 14th at night), on Saturday I pounced on R and made him have a makeshift V-day with me. He didn't know it was comin, but I made a card and rented a movie and bought him candy. Pretty romantic; we watched the movie with his little brother. But even being near him for a whole day was amazing - I can't complain. I'm sure everyone thinks I see him all the time, but I really don't. It's been a stretch.

So I've got a lab midterm this week, and a chem assignment due tomorrow night. I'm kinda hopin they're just gonna fall together.

I think the pain-fog is starting to kick into my brain. Shoulda brought some drugs; I'm so tired. Just wanna go home and sleep. One more class, then I can eat and sleep and then start studying. Or wasting more time with downloaded TV shows. I made the mistake of watching Lost with R, so now I'm not allowed to watch it without him!!! Now I have to wait for HIS schedule, so find something ELSE to waste my time.

We had some sweet birthday parties last weekend, for Dan (happy 20th!) and for Matt (happy 21st!). Dan's we went to Cafe Crepe, bought some mini-kegs and played MarioKart. Matt's we went out for Mexican food, he got to wear a kickin' sombrero and get "Happy birthday Max" sung to him. Then we went bowling, us 4 regulars. It's been nice to have Matt and Kate around for "double dates."

Also nice cuz they drove me to/from the surgery on Friday!! R bought them breakfast for their trouble, but they were so supportive in their sleepy faces. I tried not to think about the fact that they were downstairs having an amazing White Spot breakfast.

I'm really craving an ipod recently; getting mixed signals to just "Go for it, treat yourself," especially cuz I found out my parents ARE gonna pay for the part of the surgery that wasn't covered by the plan. But then I'm getting input to wait, save, (this is my own brain), and maybe buy an ibook (this is my desire, but R's idea... I don't really NEED a laptop but I'd sure LIKE one).

So sleepy. Can't think of anything else. There was more, but I'm tired. Hope everyone's Mondays are startin off fantastically. Wish me luck studying with no motivation. Or EATING!! I want a white spot burger, or McDonald's french fries, or sushi!! Sushi SO BADLY I want it.

If I get really motivated I may start writing up my organic lab; I got to separate, purify, and identify two compounds. I don't have the melting points yet, but other than the identification I could write everything up early for next week. Yet what are the chances I'm going to do anything early?

Sepia

2007-02-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in my invertebrate lab, I dissected a squid. We did the same dissection in high school, so it was familiar. The lab director brought tempura batter and a pan with oil, and everyone took the mantle of their squid, skinned it, and brought it to her to cook. So at the end of lab we got to eat them... mmmmm!!

But the point of this post is something fascinating I learned. Most people are aware that a squid or an octopus (and many of their relatives) have ink sacs, that they may shoot out to confuse predators. Back in the day, the ink of the cuttlefish was the first ink to be used regularly with the quill pens. This ink dried to a reddish-brown colour, and since the Greek word for cuttlefish is "Sepia," this gradually became associated with the colour of the dried ink. Isn't that fascinating?? So all of you photographers out there, every time you try to revive an old "sepia-toned" photograph, or you adjust your own picture to that "colour," remember the amazing cuttlefish and it's place in history.

Last week I dissected a snail regularly eaten as escargot... a French delicacy. I learned some interesting details about snails and their hermaphroditic/homosexual copulation... if anyone would like me to share these fascinating details, you can definitely ask in a comment. Otherwise, look it up. I don't want to shock anyone with the details without warning them first :)

Just kidding - it's only snails. People should be able to deal with it.

Hanging in the balance

2007-02-07T14:08:00.000-08:00

I woke up unreasonably and unbelievably grumpy this morning. So I figured I'd go work some negative energy out in the gym.

Surprised, I know. I am not a gym person. Generally I don't see myself as self-conscious, but aside from my sheer hatred of exercise in all non-fun forms, I also hate exercising and looking red-faced and sweaty in front of other people. I think it stems from my deep-rooted perfectionism; if I can't do something excellently, or at least better than some people, I don't want people to see it.

I am happy for people who like running, but to me - running is a form of torture that people inflict upon themselves. I've never been in shape enough to ever enjoy running - even when I have been in decent shape (rare, yes, but it has happened). Never gotten that "runner's high," and I don't understand that people continue to do it. For fun. I hate the idea of exercising for the sake of exercising. I wouldn't mind sports, if I were any good at them. So because of my limited abilities, I only really like individual "sports" - swimming, biking (outside so I'm not bored to death), gymnastics (maybe I'd like dancing if I knew how? Again, if I was good at it and looked somewhat graceful. Or it was a type of dancing where I don't need to look graceful... maybe I could belly dance? I definitely have hips and a belly). Wow tangent. Aside from that, not really anything.

So I went and biked on a stationary. I brought thermodynamics reading and my mp3 player to keep me occupied in case the tv was monopolized (I get bored easily without mental stimulation, and there has to be an overload of mental stimulation to keep me exercising when I don't have to). But lo and behold! I was the only person in the gym!! In immediate rapture, I ran around trying all the machines. I don't mind machines. When someone came in I quickly settled myself on a bike and worked it for half an hour. Got really sweaty, but I felt better about how much I've been eating. Now if I can do that a couple of times a week, maybe I'll start feeling more motivated or less crappy.

So although you've already been shocked beyond belief, by far my biggest shock was stepping on the scale. It was one of those "real" scales, like the balances we learned to use in grade 8... move the blocks over until the arm is suspended, balancing your weight.

I rarely weigh myself. Not only do I not have a scale at home, but I don't have one here at school. Occasionally (and I mean rarely... probably every 3 or 4 months) I sneak into R's parents' bathroom and check myself on their scale. So I checked myself at the end of Christmas holidays, just to make sure I hadn't gained 20 pounds... I hadn't... so I figured I was good.

But! This scale (and R swears it's the most reliable type, and that his at home is not accurate) weighed me in at seventeen pounds lighter than I thought I was, after Christmas. There's no way I lost 17 pounds; if anything I've gained. A significant amount. Unless I didn't really learn how to use a balance... check back soon, because I may take R with me to make sure I did it properly. In that case, there will be a very despondent post.

It doesn't make a huge difference - I still feel as heavy as I did before, all relative depending on the time of month, and my love handles are not shrinking - but now when another girlfriend drops her weight into the conversation, I don't have to think, "Wow, where am I hiding an extra 20 pounds over this girl?!?!" Unreal.

I reminded R that this also means that HE'S about 17 pounds lighter than he thought he was... and he decided to verbally maintain that he is the weight he measured at home. Since he didn't use this scale anyway, so technically he's ignorant. Also, this gives us a difference of over 30 pounds, which I am incredibly happy about. I don't care how big I am as long as I still feel smaller than he is... and he's not huge. I didn't exactly pick a guy that far exceeded the "heavier than me" expectation.

So both of us are happy. Greaaaat stuff!

#6-9

2007-02-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

Why I'm happy to be a woman:

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her rear end.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
We will never regret piercing our ears
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-02-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

1. It's my birthday today

2. I'm 21 now. Feeling old, but I have to be careful what crowd I'm in when I say that... yes, I know my entire life is ahead of me. I am still so young, yes.

3. I was feeling a little down, but things have picked up. Here is the story:

I had a great weekend; went home to Langley
I had a cold, felt sick all day Thursday but though I felt better Friday, my throat was raspy
Since I sang all Friday night at a worship leader's meeting...
...and then at practice for 2 hours on Saturday afternoon...
...and then screamed my lungs literally out while bowling Saturday night...
...I have no voice left. Though it's better today. Yesterday there was nuthin'. And so, while leading worship, I had to restrict myself to only playing the keyboard and not singing. At all. It's so hard for me not to sing, but it was at the point of pain. Which implied damage to my pipes. Something I don't want to happen.
My parents hosted a food party at my house Saturday, a drop-in essentially for everybody. Some people were greatly missed, either couldn't make it or had to drop out last minute, but I got to hang out with some great old friends that I never see, some great friends' parents, and my sister, brother, and sister-in-law.
Then Sunday, since I was at church essentially from 7 until 12:30, I was exhausted. Wiped out completely; slept through half the superbowl (got made fun of by R's family, of course). My dad even came to R's house to watch it on the big screen.
Ate lots of food.
Got more cake and more gifts, even though nobody was supposed to get me anything...
So what could be disappointing, you say??

R and I were gonna go for dinner and a movie tonight, to celebrate with each other on the actual day. I'm the kind of geek that's a sentimentalist at heart (very, very, very deep down) and I really like doing things on the actual day... as much as I can say we can celebrate on other days, it really feels more special to me on the day of.

However, we both forgot that he has a lumber grading course tonight... until 9:00. No problem, I thought... he could come over after and we could just watch a flick on my widescreen monitor. I'll get some homework done, that way, and maybe make a shopping trip on my own to exchange a shirt, before he gets there. It would even kind of be a relief, to not take a whole night out the week before midterms (I'm just starting to feel stressed).

I was shocked and surprised when R said he probably wouldn't be coming over at all!!!! See, his reasoning was that we could postpone it, since he was really looking forward to going out with me (haha, role reversal! Usually that's me), and do it another night this week. But I didn't really understand that he meant to do it another night, and I nearly died at the prospect of not even SEEING my boyfriend, that lives on the same street as me, on the day of my birthday!! And it's not like I really saw much of him during my party. I was flitting between people, trying to make sure everyone was comfortable and not awkward. You know that pressure - "Does everybody here know at least somebody else they can talk to??"

So before I got bummed out, I called a good friend of mine on campus, to see if she had plans. Maybe she'd do homework with me, or watch some chick flick, or just go get dinner with me.

But no answer from her sent me into the depths of despair and loneliness.

I recovered decently when she phoned, saying she had ringette practice but she'd love to go get all-you-can-eat sushi after, with me and her bf (at like 9:30). So I was excited. Yaaaay, I found someone who could deal with my desperation! And now her practice is canceled, so she's gonna come shopping with me. I think that means no late-night sushi, but we'll go grab some food for dinner somewhere.

So I'm less depressed, particularly because I learned the essential fact that R wants to do something another night... it just takes me a while to recover when I was hoping to see him on my actual birthday. Cuz I don't need a whole extra night out... it might be more of a stress than a help.

Adjustments, right?

End of story.

3. Ed got me flowers yesterday, as he promised he would a month ago for my birthday, since I kept supplying him with painkillers from my ever-equipped purse.

4. R and his mom bought me a pile of wonderful scrapbooking stuff* from Costco. Wow, can you ever get a lot of stuff there for miles cheaper than any other place. I have more paper and ribbon and punches than I could ever need.

5. My bro and sis-in-law got me a shirt that didn't fit super well... so I exchanged it yesterday and got two shirts (one nice one and an undershirt for it) and a loonie back. I'm very happy with the fit and the dark green colour. Also with the loonie back. Also, it's a clothing line where I am a small... talk about an esteem-booster!!

6. My sister got me a shirt as well, that I have to exchange today. There are some shirts that are just not made for large boobs. Though the colour was beautiful, and the cut is nice on a hypothetical woman.

7. I'm looking forward to my invertebrate lab tomorrow.

8. I'm almost finished my three seasons of House. What am I going to waste my time with next?

9. I think this post is long enough. Time to get busy; I have class in 20 minutes anyways. I'll take a picture tonight of my shirt, if I can. I'm that pleased with it. And so cheap.

*Changed from "cheap" by boyfriend's request

Put it to rest

2007-01-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

Don't you hate when someone brings something up that you thought was long over with? I think an issue has been finally buried, and dealt with a million times, and somehow there's another layer of depth in this other person's brain. Hello! Don't fabricate something that isn't there!! The issue is finished, over, and there is nothing more that needs to be done. It has been finalized too many times to count.

Yarr.

Also, it's almost my birthday! I'm going to be legal in the states... wonderful, since I visit the states so often.

My old band is playing a reunion show this week, but I can't be there. Sucky; it's on a thursday night, but I have an organic lab until 5 that evening. Labs are not skippable - and even if they were, there's not really any way for me to get back up here for Friday morning. So I'm missing out on the music-making. And feeling left out. Also I just really miss playing that music.

I'm also feeling bored; I don't have enough to do. R has 7 classes (smart thinkin, buddy), with 5 labs integrated in there. He has homework constantly, poor dude. I'm trying to make as positive an environment as possible for him to work... but that usually discludes me. And I only have 4.5 classes, so I am not swimming in stress as I usually am. I've been watching House... but that's going to run out, eventually. I'm just looking forward to the time a few weeks from now when I'm stressing about midterms and actually motivated to do studying other than the few menial assignments. Assignments motivate me to work, "Study this for next month" does not motivate me at all. When midterms are approaching, I'll have the motivation to sit for hours and do practice problems and study concepts and memorize equation derivations.

This is the first semester I've had in a while that I've actually had any math to do, at all. Last semester I had no math whatsoever - organic chemistry, cell biology, and natural disasters didn't have any quantitative problems. It's nice for a change to have physical chem and biochem with actual numbers, where answers are right or wrong. I missed that! It's been weird to need a calculator again. I had to buy a specific one from the bookstore (wow, UBC gets your money through everything). Unit conversions, and anal assignment-writing, where I get all my numbers all nice and even.... yesssss. I am a geek.

Gonna get moving to biochem soon. I had a nice chill Monday morning... class at 8 only for an hour. Got home, showered, had a quiet time, cleaned up the unit a bit. Lunch. Diatonic Harmony class (YES! Music!) at 1, an hour break until my next class (Intro to Biochem) at 3. I have so many nice spaces, it's unreal. And now that I live so close, I can go home and sleep again, if I want, or get my assignments done for the later classes. I always have at least 4 hours of break between my first and 2nd classes. Unreal.

Peace out.

Rainy days at UBC

2007-01-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

1) Make sure you use an umbrella. Or at least ridiculously-coloured gum boots.

2) Enjoy the feeling of the massive wet patch on each of your thighs (due to the up and forward motions of walking).

3) Do step in every puddle. Make sure your jeans are wet right up to your knees.

4) If you're wearing runners, make sure they have some decent-sized holes in them. Preferably on both sides, close to the sole so the water doesn't have to be deep.

5) Do walk very very very slowly, in double file, with large umbrellas, so that people in a hurry can't get past you.

6) Don't bother lifting your umbrellas, ever, so that they always clash with the space for other people's umbrellas.

7) Since UBC is also known as The Umbrella Graveyard*, do drop your broken and otherwise useless umbrella wherever you may fancy. By all means, do NOT wait to find a garbage can or any other waste receptacle.

8) Do take a sweet picture of the view from your window. Do make sure there's a car while you're taking it so that your amazing camera (or rather, your boyfriend's camera) gets all the light that passes through, headlights to taillights, with the car entirely past the intersection and not in the picture.

*Term used with permission.

sushi!

2007-01-17T20:12:00.000-08:00

Going to an all-you-can-eat place tonight.. I think it's going to be a weekly tradition. It's SO good.

I had something I wanted to say just shortly, but I completely forget what it was. Maybe I'll remember by tomorrow. Peace.

List time!

2007-01-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

1) I love lists

2) I'm watching House right now

3) My house kind of smells like pot, due to the forest beside my window

4) Yet I have to keep the window open because my roommates keep the house really warm

5) I went to an info session tonight about research opportunities for undergrads

6) I've barely seen R all day... just made him a tuna sandwich for lunch, but he had to leave early

7) I have the best boyfriend ever. We had the best talk yesterday and I am so much happier about many things

8) I really really really really miss music

9) I also would like to find time to scrapbook again, but that would entail finding a place to develop my pictures. Too much effort and not enough money lying around

10) I need groceries

11) I had an invertebrate lab today and I got to play with sea anemones! The BEST ever. I tried to feed some but they had already been fed by a billion students, so they were full

12) I want to take a trip to the sunshine coast, with R, since it's winter. Diversity is amazing right now, and he would love to go creature-searching with me

13) I remember 2 recent "Friday the 13th"s

14) I'm tired. Yay for 8 a.m. classes every day. I feel like a first year still... 2 years later

15) My mom has been sending me e-mails, and it's been a really nice surprise. Makes me feel loved by the ones I left at home

16) I wish I had a nice camera. A digital SLR. Would be amazing.

17) On to better things... my pillow!

From the new place

2007-01-15T10:14:00.000-08:00

It has been really really cold. I watched this one pigeon for like 10 minutes and he didn't pop his head out of his warm cocoon the entire time. We're really used to putting on gloves/toques/scarves, and there's ice everywhere. Even the snow isn't melting.

I've used R's camera a bit, since mine's gone. My family got a beautiful point-and-shoot for Christmas. It was really cheap - a really good deal for 6 mp.

I'm watching House right now. I like this show. I like it a lot. And, I can watch it while I type because of my beautiful new monitor. R got it for me for Christmas, and it's widescreen. I am very spoiled.

And two days ago R bought himself a laptop. His Dell was at the end of its lifetime, and this toshiba is wonderful. It boots up in less than 45 minutes - a luxury. It's also widescreen. He was thinking about getting a mac (or, I was thinking he should get one) , but a PC is going to be better for him and his needs. So he's really happy.

So I'm on campus! I got a place with three girls in a condo-style housing unit. I'm really happy. It's warm here, and my internet works perfectly - both through the wall and wirelessly. This proves that it was not my PC sucking at my last place, it was definitely because they bought a cheap router. Cheap Asians (if I may be so racist). It's also cheaper to live here.

And it's amazing how much time I save not traveling. I've only had to take the bus a couple times, for shopping. I have a class at 8 a.m. every day, but after that hour or hour and a half, I have at least a 4-hour break. It's amazingly efficient to come home, do some cleaning, and get crap done. That just doesn't happen when I'm stuck at school, with a limited number of books, and a limited number of places to go.

I passed organic chemistry! That in itself is a triumph. Best C+ of my life. Only C+ ever, but also the best. I'm taking the lab for it this semester, but it should be much easier.

There are so many beautiful baby pictures around on all your blogs, people - they are beautiful but they kick my ovaries into overdrive. Do me a favour and keep the pictures down until I grow up and it's somewhat reasonable to have a kid. Maybe I'll live in my own baby-less world and try and forget they exist until I know it's not a ridiculous idea. Course I might as well go blind. :o)

Been feeling a little on the failing side about some things. I feel like I've been a Christian for so long, and there are some things I should have figured out by now and be somewhat consistent on. Like, when I feel like a failure over little things, I should have a solid enough foundation in knowing my identity and status in him, that I should be able to pick up where I left off. Persistence. Since when did I lose my stubborn will? I'm so frustrated that I give up so easily and let such little things keep me from coming back right away. It's 'cause I keep feeling so unworthy to return when I failed on something so controllable. But as R reminds me, when I start "feeling worthy," I cross the line into self-righteousness. And I know that. Which is why my knowledge should kick in - of course I'm not worthy, but that's the beauty of it. Why can't I embrace that beauty?

Working on it. I think he's telling me (actually, reminding me, since it doesn't get through my thick head) that it's not my job to struggle. I take it upon myself and just struggle away, but I need to leave it up to him.

How most people feel during the lower-mainland holidays

2006-12-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

Finals

2006-12-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

I stole this from Sarah J. My thoughts exactly; I only hope that I can learn the useless facts in the first place and remember them long enough to pass O-Chem.

Finished

2006-12-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

So my internet connection is a little wonky... we'll see how things go.

It's Saturday. I'm really really enjoying Saturdays now that I don't work. Slept in ... a lot... and R and I went to Lee Valley Hardware to pick up some stuff. Also got groceries, because he wants tortillas for dinner :) The one thing I can cook; until today I didn't know it was a success with him. But he quickly followed up his compliment with, "Nobody could screw up tortillas..." I guess he doesn't know me too well. I could.

So he fell asleep as soon as we got back (it was a lot of bus riding and standing around... poor campus boy isn't used to walking so much!! Heh heh heh. I'm going to get in trouble for this one). I cleaned up the place a bit, now I'm bored. My internet is too sketchy to try and do my online assignments - more frustration than progress. So yes, I'm going to go open a textbook. Though I'm debating on whether I should start dinner. As soon as he wakes up he's going to be ravenous.

We went to Body Worlds last night. It was quite interesting; we went with that couple of friends out for Mexican food and then to see the bodies. Fascinating stuff, but I don't think I'd pay $17 for it again.

Here's a picture for no reason. This is us on the 39th floor of a hotel (visiting my parents... don't worry, it wasn't our room!) overlooking Vancouver. We went on a date to celebrate a year and a half of dating. Congrats to us. Coming up on a year and 8 months soon. Not that I'm counting.

Last day of classes

2006-12-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

Thank the Lord for small blessings.
I need a coffee.
I might go with a bunch of friends to Body World today.
I'm going to see all sorts of plasticized bodies.
Maybe it'll creep me out...
...but probably not, 'cause I love stuff like that.
And we're gonna go out for dinner.
But I'm feeling like I need to not spend any money.
And Body World costs $17 ... that's a lot of smackaroos.
That I could be spending on dinner.
So somehow I want to not go out for dinner.
But these friends seem like they want to do something with us.
And dinner is usually part of our evenings together.
Which is totally cool, and they're cool.
I just feel like my funds are running low, with Christmas approaching.
I've been working on organic chemistry today.
I came to one class - a tutorial - at 9 am.
It was only an hour.
Then I went and bought R some bread to bring to his place for lunch.
But I came to the computer lab until he is done class.
And worked on Organic Chemistry that Sucks More Than Anything.
And it's an hour after his class was supposed to end and he hasn't called me yet.
Which sucks more today cuz we had a great time last night (sarcasm).
We went to the Christmas banquet.
And had a nice fight after.
Or more like an emotional breakdown on my part,
Where he is not quite sure how to react.
And I end up getting mad at the way he does or doesn't react.
Or something like that.
Generally me getting upset over many things, justified and not justified.
The banquet was fun; food was good.
But it also cost money.
Hence me not wanting to go out for dinner again.
Also, I was planning on paying for dinner next time his parents took us to White Spot.
They take us there all the time
and make cracks about us not paying
and it's finally gotten to me.
I determined last time that the next time we went,
as long as it was just the immediate family,
I was going to sneak the bill and Rich and I would split it after.
Rich agreed very reluctantly, but I'll pay for it if he won't.
I know once won't mean much to them,
and they don't actually care - it's their choice to take us out all the time,
But I feel bad.
I eat their food all the time.
And yes, I'm a starving student,
which is their rationale,
but they really take us out a lot.

They're planning to come visit us Sunday and take us out,
which adds to my monetary stress of today.
I need some groceries too,
But I think I'll just stay at home tomorrow and eat like, packaged soups
or Kraft Dinner
all the packaged food I have stocked up for emergencies but don't actually ever eat.

So I'm going to keep writing until he calls, because I am tired of chemistry.
And I'd rather do it later.
But be warned,
because I can type quickly
And I have many thoughts.
So unless he calls soon
there will be a large large number of words in the post.
Oh yeah, I left my camera on a bus.
It's lost forever; someone lifted it I'm sure.

It was sucky, because I was carrying too many things;
I was bringing R's laundry (freshly cleaned and folded c/o Tricia Enterprises) in a duffel bag
Back to school for him.
And my backpack.
And I had my camera in my backpack because I had been stuck without it for the whole snowstorm.
But I went a different direction on my street than usual,
and a row of beautiful trees were all broken to pieces
massive branches strewn all over the road,
covered in snow.
The trees looked naked enough without their leaves,
but now nearly every limb ends in a jagged light streak of brokenness
Poor trees.
They were my favourite thing about the street, and so beautiful in the summer/fall.
So I took my camera out and took some pictures, which sucked anyway.
And I looped the camera case around my arm instead of putting it back in my bag so that I could walk and take more pictures if necessary.
But I got to the bus stop, which some goof parked his car in front of,
so I ran to the next one so the bus wouldn't have any excuse to pass by me.
Barely got on the bus
and my phone rang.
So I sit down, answer the phone.
Somehow I must have unlooped the camera case from my arm.
Because when I got off to transfer,
I did the unconscious "do I have everything" check
but since I now was carrying a phone in my hand,
I didn't feel like anything was missing (still 3 items).
Funny how my brain works like that.

So I realized as soon as the bus pulled away,
and I called translink. It took forever to get through, but I finally talked to someone.
She said there's no way they can get ahold of the individual bus drivers right then; it was a 1.5 hour wait just to connect to their radios or something.
Because of poor stressed translink's inadequate preparation for a little snow.
But anyway
She said to call lost property.
And I did, and nothing's there.
So the driver took it, or someone else.
What happened to honesty in the world?
Of course it's completely my fault for leaving it on there,
but what happened to people returning things? I mean, they don't want my pictures of trees, and from Halloween. I want those pictures.

So that was lame and embarrassing and it's pretty much gone forever.
Gives me an excuse to buy a new one,
but again with my lack of monetary options.
And it's Christmas soon, and I wanted pictures from Christmas.
*sigh*.
So he hasn't called me yet. I think he got lost.
Actually, I think his phone is off (because I just got the answering machine).
He is very good at leaving his phone off at the right times.
And... last night I was debating coming to school at all.
So maybe he thinks I didn't... even though I concluded that I would.

That's enough moaning about nothing.
I think it's time I find something constructive to do.
Or to drink.
Like a coffee.

I'm going to try and get home today

2006-11-28T14:35:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those moments when you almost forget where you are? You see something or someone that reminds you of a different time and place, and you have to give your head a shake to come to grips with what's around you. I passed by a stand of trees today on campus that were not particularly eye-catching. There are many pretty trees here, and the snow is garnishing everything frostily. It adds a nice spice to the uncommon wintry scene. But these trees I passed were tall cedars, and they were clustered close together with the snow in drifts between them. The way they were close, and the way their branches were loaded and white, brought back a massively vivid picture of northern BC, where I was born. I don't have many memories from my small hometown, but today I saw a piece of that town on my campus. It was as if I turned a corner and stepped into an entirely different time. Everything was white and still and silent. Until I blinked.

Things are pretty icy, and I have my core group tonight (Bible study). I have to go because we're doing a secret Santa exchange, but I want to get home tonight - been stuck on campus for too long without my camera. So it looks like I'll be braving the icy bus routes later, in the dark. I would have wanted to go earlier, but c'est la vie. I guess if things are too bad or snowy I can stay another night. School's wrapping up slowly but surely. I can't wait to be done.

When I have my camera, look out! Pictures will be posted. There are so many beautiful streets and trees - Langley gets like this sometimes, but never Vancouver. It's been a good ten years since I remember more than an inch or two.

SNOW DAY!!

2006-11-28T00:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a snow day I've remembered in forever. I love that the lower mainland gets immobilized by a hint of snow. Well, it wasn't a hint everywhere... but Vancouver wasn't hit too hard. Most schools were open - the only reason we closed was because we had a power outage. I came to campus Sunday night, figuring that if things did keep getting worse, I'd rather get snowed in on campus than at my place. Buses are ridiculous; most routes are closed since parts of the main roads have been closed. There is one point that buses will venture to campus, and that is at the northern gates, a very very very long walk from anywhere. Also the opposite side of campus from my house.

So I'm stuck here; we had an in day. There were many people playing trivial pursuit, as their papers were all on computers and, being electricity-dependent students, there weren't many of us that had any work we COULD do. I did, so I worked a bit on O-chem. It was a little cold, but we had blankets and the power came on around 3 in the afternoon. Then we had coffee and enjoyed our day off.

I only missed one class, but there was a quiz. So ... I would much rather miss a day like tomorrow, when I have almost all of my classes. My only chance is if somehow the snow melts a bit, and then freezes with the forecasted temperatures. It's supposed to be very cold, so as much as I want to wish everyone in the lower mainland safety, I hope that the entire translink system is shut down. That is the only way my stingy school will cancel classes, unless we lose power again. Of course, it's probably bad to want to miss my classes tomorrow... we only have a week left and they're not easy. But I can't help it. It's Christmas time, and I want to enjoy some snow and relax with a holiday smile. Forget school. It's all about the love.

The view from our friend's building on the 15th floor of the tower.

I'm running out of coffee beans

2006-11-25T23:38:00.000-08:00

So I was totally gonna cheat, honestly... I was going to write like three posts and date and time them as to when I originally wanted to write about them. But I can't do it; and by now those events have passed so much that I probably only have a sentence each about everything.

I got poisoned by the water last week. I woke up Thursday morning after a crappy, stomachache-y night, and I puked up anything I might have eaten (I had drunk/drank/drinked much water to try and calm my unsettled stomach, figuring that water was one thing my body couldn't rebel against). I still had to get to my 8 am class to hand in an assignment, but then I went home and slept all day. And then I woke up and heard about the warning. R had told me, as any good caretaker or mother would say, "Drink lots of water/fluids, and sleep." So he found out about this water warning and panicked, figuring he had helped me to poison myself even further. But really I didnt even listen to that part of his advice; I just slept. It was a nice sleep, but not a lot of homework got done that day.

Then the next night, I went out with the girls from my CORE and watched PRIDE AND PREJUDICE!! Yaaah the old version with the wonderful Colin Firth. Unfortunately, it was 5 hours, a fact that I had forgotten. Me in my weakened no-solid-food-yet state, had trouble stayin awake. But I managed because of the amazing Austen plot and the Firth face.

This week there's a Christmas banquet that R has graciously agreed to attend with me; even though it is semi-formal. Yesss!! A reason to wear a dress and finally look girly for once, in between the sweat pants and the no makeup ever and the glasses every day. I'm proud of him for going to hang out with a bunch of girls he doesn't know. He always surprises me, pleasantly, cuz I asked with no hope whatsoever. I tend to underestimate his desire to be with me, which is AWESOME. I have the best boyfriend ever. Things are looking up very much.

And! Probably the best part of my week... yesterday a friend took me to a specialty bra store in Van that has real sizes of bras for real people. I have this problem, that I need a decent-sized cup but they don't supply it very often in a band size small enough for me... a 32, to be exact. And I went to a place to get fitted, and I got fitted well - with a $115 item. I can't spend that on a bra that I wear under my shirt, even if my shirts look better because of it.
So my friend with the same issue found this place where they're nice and cheaper, but still quality. And now I have an amazing proper fit - you have no idea. No times during the day where I have to pull anything up or push anything back in, and it just holds me up nicer, even making them look smaller and making me look thinner and my back doesn't hurt so bad and I even found out that in the summer they carry swimsuits and then maybe I can get a halter top that won't kill my neck or even just something that I can wear half-modestly that actually looks not like a granny bathing suit and I love run-on sentences and I'm sorry for the very personal nature of this paragraph but you have NO IDEA how much happier I am! Unless of course you have the same problem, in which case I would recommend this store - couldn't find it on the net, so you won't have any luck either unless you have a lot more googling skill than I do. It's called Change, and it is a tiny place on W Broadway at Macdonald, and it's the only place I've found that has many styles that pair E or F cups with band sizes smaller than 38 or 40 inches. I'm not huge around; my ribcage is actually small. Which encourages me, in the middle of winter when all I've been doing is eating. I feel much more confident. And more pain-free and less like I'm gonna get caught in the act of pulling up my bra in a very unladylike way.

And now I have something proper to wear under the dress for the banquet. Yessss.

Gotta run; I'm at home after my dad's jazz band played a coffeeshop concert for their cd release party tonight. Now my sister and her friend have arrived and I want to see her and chat. So later.

**Added later: At least because of my sickness I got out of my regular coffee-every-morning rut. And now I don't get headaches later in the day if I haven't had a coffee in the morning. So I'm going to try and keep the morning coffees down... only for treats. Especially because they prolly make me fatter. This will also be good because I'm runnin out of the beans I won. And I'm too cheap to buy good ones like the ones I'm used to now**

Date at Dennys

2006-11-14T00:05:00.000-08:00

So things are picking up. In that one particular area anyway... amazing how that improves my attitude in regards to grades and such as well. We went to Denny's tonight, after deciding no more fighting... and he was being really sweet and trying to join me in things I like and not only what he likes. So I'll take it while I can, and my resentment is ebbing away.

Had a speaker at church today say something interesting. He was quoting a famous musician, that said, "If I don't practice for one day... I know it. If I don't practice for three days... my critics know it. If I don't practice for a week... everybody knows it!" The pastor related this to our walk with Christ. I'm sure others can tell when we don't take a day, or three, or seven, to sit at His feet and rest a bit. Guilty as charged.

Got a full day tomorrow. I hate group projects, and I dislike organic chemistry... and unfortunately those are both very involved in my day tomorrow. But I will take it with steel in my backbone.

Thanks for the prayers! So surprising to have not spammers in the comments. Some funny pictures I found today:

Still Fighting

2006-11-10T18:38:00.000-08:00

Apparently things didn't get fixed up like I thought they were getting. I'm not quite sure how it always manages to be my fault. Life sucks.

Tired and Discouraged

2006-11-09T12:13:00.000-08:00

(To a friend in an e-mail):

Interesting development, lately - E got back from her 9 months away, I don't know if you remember. Came back in like August. But September sometime she sent me an e-mail saying she was sorry for everything and she missed my friendship, and would I forgive her for ditching us like that. I haven't seen her any more than usual, but it's been kinda weird cuz she's very purposefully friendly and initiating conversation and contact and stuff.

I still don't get to see hardly any of you from "the hometown" ever, except J cuz he comes to school here, but it's sure nice to know that I was missed. It's kinda hard for me, because I felt so like, betrayed last time, like worthless cuz she could so easily dump our friendship. But I figure I've done dumb things so of course I can forgive her, it just may take a little bit of time to completely open up. Haha, that sounds so sappy, but you know, "once wounded" it's not as easy. Again with the sounding retarded, but you know what I mean.

I'd love to have a bake-off; yes when we have time. Everything extra seems kinda impossible right now, eh? When I'm back in town, even would be best, but that's tough cuz my last exam's on the 19th and right around Christmas things get SO BUSY, for everyone.

How are your weekends doing? I may be coming back saturday afternoon; maybe we could hook up at night? Sunday is a birthday party for R's grandpa that I'm prolly going to. and then I'm back home for schoolwork.

Man, I'm SO DISCOURAGED about school; my grades are SUCKING. My tough chem course? I thought I failed the midterm, but I didn't... 55%, baby. And the craziest thing is, I was SO HAPPY with 55%. [My buddy from high school] got 38%... and he's a smart cookie. But we knew we weren't prepared, and I had an extra half-day to study that he didn't. And only one other course (Bio, thank goodness) is on track for an A, the others are barely B's. Which are not bad, but they're BARELY B's... and one is sociology, which is supposed to be EASY!! I guess I'm just not an arts student. so out of 5 courses, one is barely passing and 3 are not where I feel like they should be, in terms of how easy it feels... It sucks cuz all my good grades were in my first 2 years, and I counted on those keeping up my GPA once the courses got harder. But now I don't have that buffer region, so all my grades here are going to come from my hard courses.
Eek.

R and I had a big massive fight last weekend; just like a big buildup. Kinda the thing where we're both building up resentment about things and then it explodes? I've always tried to not build things up silently, because I feel so sorry for guys when their girlfriend is suddenly mad and they have no idea why. So I've always tried to make sure R knows what I think/feel about things... but then I get into this nagging habit that I kinda notice, but it feels justified cuz he's not living up to my expectations. Which happens, because he's busy and tired as well. And the more I nag, the more he resents that and gets less motivated to fix anything. So I realize I'm nagging, and I stop, but then I let everything build up and get really upset one day, and then he gets upset, and it's just a big mess. It's hard when you're both stressed, to keep finding the fun in each other and the quality core of what you have. I think we're getting better and better at not demanding too much of the other person; I always want him to take me on dates but I'm realizing that he likes it if I take HIM on dates too. Or I have to realize that sometimes dates will be few and far between... which kinda sucks. As a girl, we all want to be taken out in public - like to show that he WANTS to take us out in public, right? But he's more of a quieter guy - if he has been out with friends already a lot in the week, he wants to just sit at home with me. But I want to go out, because to me it doesn't feel draining to go out when it's just us.

Anyway, since you really wanted to hear about all that...

Love you dear, keep in touch. Let me know about how your weekends are playing out lately. Also, any idea what I can write about for a pretty informal sociology paper? I'm supposed to take a situation in my life and analyze it, in terms of roles and identities and typification and ALL those fun concepts. I get a mental block as soon as I know I'm supposed to pick one... any little normal one will work fine but now I can't think of any.

Illegal entry

2006-11-01T20:14:00.000-08:00

I'm in R's wood building, in the computer lab. I'm totally not allowed to be in here, because I am NOT a wood products processing student. But that is a-ok.

I sat at home almost all day today. It was wonderful. My sleep-in morning of the week.

EXCEPT for the 8 am wrong number phone call. I HATE everybody that phones me looking for "Ayla." It's a new phone, for crying out loud! I was so polite at first but now I just hang up. I even get messages for her... I mean hello, my answering machine message says my name in it. It may sound like many things, but it does not sound like Ayla. I am not Ayla.

*sigh*. Takes up my minutes, which are better spent elsewhere.

Wrote an online quiz, and it crashed, and my benevolent instructor allowed me to write another one. So I had to come to campus. Hence the illegal computer lab.

I have nothing really of interest to write about. I went trick-or-eating last night, and I dressed up as a lumberjack. I had a beard. It was pretty sweet, and apparently convincing. I wore work boots that were 7 sizes too big for me, which was also fun. I love clomping around in big shoes; it's an excuse to make noise and have people laugh at you. Excellent.

Good luck to the NaBloPoMo'ers out there. Nov. 1... only 29 days left to go.

Too late to do homework

2006-10-30T23:20:00.000-08:00

Hey so since I have so much spare time. I want to get this up and running. Just 10 minutes every day, I tell myself.

And honestly, I feel so busy, but I do have a decent amount of time. My class schedule seems so slack... but then I go around getting GREAT marks in organic chemistry (sarcasm! I barely passed the midterm, but then over 300 people failed, so it's saying something). And I see all of these things coming up next week... like a paper for bio, and some chem homework due, and a linguistics assignment... but right now it's too early to go to sleep but too late to start something new. Once you finish one thing, it's so much work to get the next one out.

So I finally enabled the title function on this blogger thing, so I can have titles. And I changed the layout (probably temporarily, again) just so that I can see across a decent breadth of the page. Let's throw in a recent picture, for everyone's interest. Let's see...

My sister came to visit this weekend (finally)! I've been hoping to get her up to visit sometime, but now that she has a job it's been harder. Plus, I go to my hometown pretty much every weekend. So we had a great time - watched a movie, tickle-fought all night, went shopping the next day... no homework.

And we visited R at school, and went to ... dun dun dun... the infamous Wreck Beach. R went first to make sure there wasn't anyone out there that could blind us... but it was a windy day so we were alone. The view was beautiful. We saw a bunch of seals. I took lots of pictures, randomly; R has no idea this was taken of him. It's a really nice beach. No fair the nudists get it.

So I'm kinda tired... but not tired enough to sleep. Tomorrow is a long day, and I'm going trick-or-eating at night. That's where we accept canned foods for charity, instead of candy.It's Halloween, but I really don't care. Lots of crazy people dress up on Granville; it's totally fun to see. R and I went out with his roommate Saturday night, and I felt out of place without a costume. So last-minute thinking (not my own thoughts) produced the idea of the lumberjack. Thanks to R, and his boots, gloves, lumberjack coat, and hard hat, it could go off pretty well. And I'll be super warm.

I'm going to make a between-classes trip to a dollar store and a secondhand store, to look for suspenders and/or a plastic wood-cutting device. Just so I don't have to keep telling people what I am.

R is going to the Canucks game. We are also hopefully going on a date this Friday, if all goes well. That's worth putting on the calendar.

Peace

All settled in

2006-10-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

So it gets to be R's birthday (boy look at that good-lookin 20-year-old on the right there, eh? Barely in the picture). This is his party, his roommates and a couple old friends from high school. They made 2 massive pots of kraft dinner (what a surprise) and drank some beer. All in all a good birthday party.

In keeping with the theme, I somehow managed to add to the beer-ness of the night in my desire to get R a cake. I bused out to kits, arrived at Diary Queen hoping to be able to bring the cake back without it melting (and hoping it'd be a reasonable price). What did I find?? First one I looked at, I knew it was for Rich. When I was buying it, the guy asked me if I wanted stuff written on it! For free!! What service.

Hence:

It was a hit. Ice cream cake can never go wrong.

So we've been settling into life out here pretty well. It's been busy at points, in the middle of midterms right now. Due to my class choice (or lack thereof), I'm taking a first-year course online. This leaves me with Wednesday entirely free of classes, and Mondays and Fridays I'm only in class for an hour. Tuesdays and thursdays are pretty intense, but I'm not feeling overwhelmed at all because of these free days. Wednesday, of course, is "homework day," which means I clean my house and procrastinate and write and read blogs. And listen to music, and study off and on. I have cable now, too, so tv is tempting. Rich has a much busier class schedule, due to his labs etc., but since he spends so much less time outside of class doing his work, we've been seeing each other decently enough.

I really haven't buckled down yet... had a midterm but I think it went well, so I have false confidence. All except for organic chemistry, where I have such a knot of dread in my stomach that I can't even study. 2 midterms next week. Been going home pretty much every weekend for something or other, church or birthdays or thanksgiving.

Food was good! Pumpkin pie is awesome.

My house is so comfy; I love having my own space. My bathroom is awesome because it's my own. Unfortunately (and unexpectedly) it is pink-themed! Never thought it would come to this.

I suck at blogging. Anyway, these are some bathroom pictures. The sunlight is SO nice today. We have had the most wonderful weather; have only had to walk in the rain once since I've moved out here. It's getting chilly, but the streets are beautiful. First started my walks to the bus at 7 a.m. saying, "Wow, what a beautiful sunrise!" And now I say, "Wow, that's a nice full moon." Always surprises me, every year, how quickly it begins to darken.

Went tanning today, so I'm not so worried about the lack of endorphins. Vitamin D all the way! I got a coupon, so I figured it'd be free... but given that our society never gives anything for free, I had to pay for eyewear and also for lotion because apparently mine was inappropriate, as it would clog up the acrylic material of the tanning beds?? Does that sound like a hoax? So I ignored the "cheap" $44.50 bottle, and got a sampler one that should last me for as long as my free tans last. It was sure nice to sleep in today and then just take a bus ride in the sun.

My house, and some of the wonderful sunlight I see on my way to or from the bus stop (when it's not dark).

I'm gonna write more later, just randomly. This is a good way to procrastinate. I should get back to the studying, seeing as this is my only chance for a while.

Tomorrow is classes all day, then an info session about Biology co-op. Friday I'm taking R out (after my class) as a remnant of his birthday, but ALSO to celebrate our 1.5 years of dating. A year and a half, already! We're going to head to Capilano Suspension Bridge, and the treetop adventure. To do that, we have to take the seabus - a new and wonderful experience for R, which is why I chose it, of course. Then home Friday night to practice and do worship Sunday, then back up to study for Tuesday's 2 midterms.

The worst part (and the best) is that I'm reading an AWESOME book - Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen. I love classic novels, I just wish I'd started it after midterms.

Peace out

Another book... and excitement about leaving.

2006-08-23T12:52:00.000-07:00

Just finished The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, by Mordecai Richler. I've heard of the author, and he was regaled on the back of the cover as a comedy writer, but the story was sad. One of those ones where the main character doesn't realize how he's been driven by ambition and twisted his life to disclude what's important. Always makes me look at my own life and double-check. I don't feel like I'm living with as much joy and excitement as I could be, and am always always open to more peace.

Speaking of excitement!! I'm getting excited about school!! All my classes are set this semester except for one now (the main one I need... but I simply must get in so I won't worry about it). I'm gonna be living on my own. I'll miss Karissa, and I'm sure I'll probably miss my whole house - but honestly, I don't really eat at home much at all anymore. That would be the main thing I'd miss, and it's non-consequential if the last year has been any indication. Lol, how awful! Mainly missing food. Just kidding. But seriously.

I'm going to be so near Rich, too. Yaaaaaay. I would have died if he had gone without me all the way to Vancouver!! Even this week and next he has no vehicle (not re-insuring) and I'm the one driving. I'd be hooped if I was here and had to drive to see him in Vancouver.

Book review

2006-08-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

Continuing on the sad kick, I just finished Requiem for a Dream, by Hubert Selby Jr. It was a very good book; one of those ones that is well-written but kind of artsy in a unique way. In this case, all the dialogue was written in a continuous stream, with only the characters' verbal inflections to identify the speaker. It was really weird.

I had heard the movie was good, so I figured the book must be better... and I'm sure it was. But now I don't need/want to see the movie. Addiction is a powerful enemy, and the author skillfully pulled together several elements to show that substance abuse is not the only kind of addiction. Obviously we all know that already, but it's neat to read. Sad story though.

Moving out! Big changes.

2006-08-09T15:05:00.000-07:00

So it's settled. I'm moving to the big city and going to school on a massive campus that's basically a city of its own. I'm living with two boys I don't know and I have no car - only public transport. My classes aren't settled and I'm apprehensive about being all by myself without any method of emergency transport, but at the same time...
... boy I can't WAIT to leave home!

It's going to be an adventure for sure. Time to try something new. As much as school is a lot of work... it will be completely different. SO much space. Wow I love space.

And I was asked to co-lead a worship team at R's church. I think I'm going to do it even though I'm basically out of town all the time. It'll be, like, every 3rd week... gotta pray about it a bunch though.

Got word yesterday that our band's days are over. Being as we haven't played in forever it's not really a shock... it's sad, though. Or at least, to know that there won't EVER be a Tuesday Evening again, exactly. Maybe we'll play for something, but it won't ever be understood that we're "a band" again. Maybe it's God's timing; I don't know. People have drifted apart anyway. Kinda feels like we got defeated, though.

Honestly... work is boring.

2006-07-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

I lost my new stapler. It was really disappointing, and completely my own fault. I had to file some papers by my supervisor's desk, and since he never has a stapler around, I brought my own to staple the papers over there. Unfortunately I forgot it there. A couple of hours later I returned to get it, and it had migrated to the inner parts of his desk. His old stapler, now rejected, sat at the edge of the desk. He knew mine was better, and he took it.

So my new one is not bad - definitely in working order, not like the first one I had. But still ... I miss the smoothness of my amazing stapler. I will always remember it. I should've taken a picture so I could make a personal memorial.

In other news, I went to that ladies night at R's church. Lots of ladies I don't really know (or actually know at all), but two did show up that I had known pretty well at my previous church. I had played on a worship team with one of the ladies over the years, and lo and behold! she was on the team for Sunday (yesterday). On my current kick of looking for ways to get involved, I jumped right in and played with them for the morning services.

And it was so good. I missed doing that so much - it's such a way for me to connect with God, even, and I hope and pray that I can help at all to draw the congregation into his presence, because it's AMAZING. If anyone feels half of what I feel when I'm up there worshipping, then God uses us. I have personally discovered that God doesn't necessarily ensure that we FEEL his presence all the time... that we have to just remember that he's nearby and sometimes he give us a dry phase... but BOY is it a relief when he pours it over you after one of those dry spells. Really makes me appreciate what I have in my saviour. That's probably why he does it, too - if I start taking him for granted he reminds me why I can't possibly continue that way.

Played with another lady who's a wonderful musician. She has been on some of Brian Doerkson's recordings, and I had heard of her before I found out she went to the same church as I did. At the end of the 2nd service the church was doing a "house of prayer" experiment, playing some worship songs and allowing people to remain in silent prayer. The other lady went to the keyboard spontaneously, and I was playing the grand (an amazing piano - gosh I want a grand at home!). We got carried away, way beyond any music in front of us. We just transitioned between old songs for a long time; she would think of one, and then I would - all the while just playing. We have similar playing styles. Man, I love God's presence.

So, that was a good experience. I met the interim pastor now, and I'm sure I'll meet more people as a result, even though the church was empty this week. The youth were all away at Creation (lucky sister I have!). Probably doing it again Aug. 27.

R's family wasn't there, because they had a baseball tournament. Sweetie pie R missed one of the games and came to see me :D We went after church to the last game and his team one first in the entire tournament. Probably because his whole family was playing, of course... Could've been just as well that his family wasn't there, though. All I hear from them about the musicians is criticism and making fun... not his mom so much, but the rest of them. R too, though he'd never do that about me.

His grandparents were there, though - and they came to the 2nd service - the "young" service. Wonder if I was a little too liberal for their taste. Ahh well, that's not what it's about, right?

Still hating UBC for the hassles I'm going through. Job's going well, the food I had for lunch today was so good. Mom made a stew yesterday in the crock pot. Thank goodness for the occasional home-cooked meal!

Also went to a wedding shower for a friend of mine (2 weeks away!). It was a lingerie shower... very risque. Very fun, too. Those are some good girls.

Gotta get off my lunch. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. It was a long weekend - worship practice saturday morning for 3 hours, wedding shower, then R's grandma's birthday get-together. Many relatives, very fun and relaxing. Sunday was up early for church, then baseball, then we lay around R's house with the fam.

God stuff is on the up-side.

Lonely at church

2006-07-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

Honestly... it's really hard to not belong to a church. Seeing as I was at my last one for 12 years, it's understandable that it'd be difficult to move away from that. I didn't realize how much of my identity and security came from being involved in that type of community. I guess the new situation can show me both the importance of the community dependence, and yet the weakness of not being strong enough without it.

I've been going to R's church - his family is there, and he likes it. The people that I've talked to all seem nice. But it's really clique-y. I have to forcefully introduce myself to nearly everybody, and when R does powerpoint, I sit by myself. It's so lonely to sit by yourself at church. And I can't believe it's been continuing this way for so long with no improvement. Though it's what I'd expect. I haven't really decided if I want to make it my church home, so I haven't thrown myself in whole-heartedly. I feel like I shouldn't commit myself and get involved until I know I'm committed to the church itself.

But i think I'm going to jump in. So far it is looking as though that's where I'm gonna be; R would go look with me if I wanted him to - to find a place for both of us - but I haven't even really enjoyed anywhere else I went. So maybe if I stick it out and DO get involved, I'll get to know the people better and the church as a whole will start feeling more like home. I already know the people are super nice, I just have to tap into that.

We'll see.

Thief

2006-07-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. This week, I became the dreaded person at the office... the stapler-stealer.

Now let me explain. I have my own stapler to begin with, as does everyone else in the office at their individual desks. However, my stapler was "the crappy one." You know the type.

There is one communal stapler by the fax machine, that works amazingly well. Smooth, consistent stapling - gliding downward with a satisfying 'pop' instead of 'clank.' So... last week... I made the switch.

I didn't think anybody really noticed; if they did, they didn't mention it or come find it on my desk. It's now been 5 work days. I justify the action by remembering that everyone has a stapler already. If they REALLY want, they can take papers to their desk and staple. Not fair if they all get nice ones and I don't. But "the crappy one" will suffice for the few times it is used communally.

There was a slight scare from two days ago when the communal stapler disappeared for a day... I worried that mine would be repossessed. But I am still safe. The stapler reappeared. My new nice one, by the way, is a "rapid" stapler.

Everyone told me, before I started the job, to hide my stapler and protect it from the stapler-stealers of the office. I feel like I'm breaking every societal rule I ever learned - going against my upbringing. But the payoff is wonderful. Looks like everyone else I work with will have to watch out.

Honestly

2006-07-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'll say it up front - my reason for a blog is so that I can post comments on others' blogs. See, I too have a secret. Thanks to J's wonderful blog, I now have regular pages that I like to read up on. It passes the break time at work, that's for sure. Several times I've wanted to comment to her or her hubby about somethin-or-other but they want me to be not anonymous. So here I am. Not anonymous.

I did have another blog once. Unfortunately, I followed rule #11 much too well, and as a result was forced to also follow #5, giving me no way to post comments.

And, conveniently, this week happened to have time to set one up. With the man workin nights this week I have a lot more time on my hands. I know it'll disappear in a heartbeat, but right now I have a whole 4 days stretching ahead of me with only a couple of things scheduled after work. R worked his first night shift last night; poor guy drove us all home from the Pearl Jam concert Saturday night at the Gorge (Amazing concert!), and we got home at 4:30. The reason we had to drive all the way in the one night was that he had to be at his church to do powerpoint... at 8 am. And then work Sunday night. That kinda sucked, he wasn't looking forward to it.

But, true to form - just as I expected, I might add - he had a great rockin' time with the city workers. They went to the beach, and painted 64th Ave. In such a good mood that he called me this mornin as I woke up and asked me if I wanted to meet him for coffee before work :D Aww, what a sweetie... it's nice to have someone like to be with me as much as I like being with him. So much so that a whole night is VERY VERY long to be apart.

The concert was awesome... though they recorded the daytime temperature in the Gorge at 116 degrees. R and I being geeks that we are, calculated on the phone that it was FORTY-SEVEN degrees celsius. That's why it was so hot. I nearly died. Getting out of the car immobilized me, literally.

So there it is, folks. Don't bother to link to me; I'm sure I won't be keeping it updated at all. Maybe occasionally. At this point my poor home computer doesn't want to be turned on in the daytime (due to the afore-mentioned heat wave). It makes this massive hum that rises in pitch until I'm so scared it'll explode that I turn it off. I usually have about enough time to check one e-mail address... and then I don't turn it on until later at night. Work, however, is very well air-conditioned . . . :D